The Dithering of a District Diva

So, the Divismo segment is reserved for my responses to email questions I receive from readers on how to embrace your inner diva in all aspects of life. Email diva@dcdistrictdiva.com. Based on a recent conversation I had with a friend, the topic of what to do when he’s “just not that into you” begs to be discussed. And so, I will, in two parts.

Part One: 5 Signs He’s Just Not That Into You

(1) He takes absolutely no interest in your personal life or viewpoints beyond a superficial level. If the guy’s questions to you barely penetrate the surface questions: “how are you/ how’s it going?” He’s just not that into. (It’s not that he’s shy, or is nervous around you, or can’t find the words because you’re so intimidating. More than likely, he just does not care enough to exert the effort it takes to get to know you). When a guy is really interested in you, he takes an interest in you. He will ask you questions about yourself, your life, your goals, your viewpoints, your family, because he wants to get to know you. Even if you are talkative, like me, and don’t give a guy a chance to initiate questions, he will still find a way to ask you follow-up questions regarding what you have just divulged to him because you are interesting to him. If he doesn’t ask, you’re not.

(2) He forgets important things about you. If the guy doesn’t remember your birthday, doesn’t call you on holidays, doesn’t recall you sharing a significant event in your life with him, or can’t be bothered to celebrate big events in your life with you, then he’s just not that into you. A guy that is into you remembers you. The things you say matter to him. When you mention events or people who have impacted your life, he remembers them. You will know he listens when you speak because he will bring up things you have said in future conversations. Even if he doesn’t agree with your viewpoints, he will simply respect you enough to listen to and recall them because you are important. If he doesn’t, you are NOT.

(3) He doesn’t call. It’s one of the simplest things a guy can do to let a girl know he’s into her. Even if he’s super busy with work, or is going through a stressful time in his life, or is having family issues, or is fresh out of minutes, or is even across an ocean, there are about 10 million mediums through which he can contact you in the 21st century at some point during the 1,440 minutes there are in a day. Especially if you contacted him first. He will make sure he responds in a timely and respectable fashion because he thinks you are important. He will fit time to converse with you into his life because he thinks you are important. Therefore, to paraphrase a line from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, if he’s not calling you, texting you, emailing you, tweeting you, skyping you, facebooking you, g-chatting you, myspaceing you, morse coding you, smoke signaling you, message-in-a-bottling-you—HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. (And by the way, if he is only communicating with you through texts and other electronics, please question what you’re doing to make him think that’s o.k., and then stop it).

(4) He’s not trying to get into your pants. I’ve also had this conversation with a young lady recently, and I hate to say it, but—unless he directly tells you he is celibate or saving himself for marriage—if he is not trying to hold your hand, kiss you, hug you longer than necessary, or touch you affectionately, he’s just not that into you. Trust me, the nicest and most respectful of men will still try to get the goods. If he’s physically attracted to you, he will BUST A MOVE. If he makes zero moves in that direction, he sees you as a friend, or sister, or wants to be your gay boyfriend. That is all.

(5) He talks to you about as much as he talks to other women. Whether you are equal in his eyes to the other women he spends time with, or,even more hurtful, he spends more time with others than he does with you, either way, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL to him. Let that marinate.A guy who is into you will make you feel appreciated, wanted, desired, and special. If you get all giddy because a guy says “I miss you” and then you look on his facebook wall to see he’s said the same thing to about 3 other chicks, please stop feeling giddy immediately. You are one of many.

A guy that is into you will do things that let you know you are special to him. Perhaps not everyday of the week, but more often than not, you will feel: set apart, different, special. If not, well, you know…

Great! Now that we’ve done the hardest part—identified the problem—we can move on to the solution.

Part two: 5 Steps To Get Over It

(1) Resist the urge to dismiss him as a “jerk,” etc. Labeling the guy as someone bad or evil because he does not return your level of affection or devotion does you absolutely no service. Yes, it might be true. He might have used and abused you, led you on, taken advantage of you, etc., and he very well may be a douchebag, but: (a) chances are HE WAS A DOUCHEBAG WHEN YOU MET HIM; and (b) for your own betterment and development, what/who he is does not really matter. When you focus on what he is or who he is or what he did or didn’t do to you, all that does is distract your thinking and place the focus on what is fundamentally wrong with him instead of analyzing yourself and how you got yourself entangled with this person. All that matters now is how to end a self-destructive pattern of choosing men who are unavailable to you. For ONCE, it is ALL ABOUT YOU. And he just gets to be the vehicle that drove you to the point of self-discovery.

(2) Realize you cannot change him. Women sometimes get caught up in the fallacy that if a man would just change, then you both could be happy together. Or, even worse, if he could just see how much you love and adore him, then surely he would return the feelings and you could be happy together. And—rock bottom—if you invest your time and energy into him and making him better, then he will appreciate you and never leave you and of course, you could be happy together. Not. Gonna. Happen. All the hoping, praying, begging, pleading, loving, adoring, investing and energizing in the world cannot and will not change anybody into the person you want him to be. (It just ought to leave you physically and emotionally drained, though). When he shows you and tells you exactly who he is, BELIEVE HIM. And then, realize that him not being into you is HIS problem, and not a fatal flaw within you. But you love him best, you’ll treat him right, he cares more about people who don’t care about him and he’s going to keep on getting hurt….HIS problems, hunny. As my favorite law school professor says, “Other people’s problems are other people’s problems. Don’t make them your own.”

Instead of wasting your time trying to change him, focus EVERY DROP OF YOUR ENERGY on trying to change what attracted you to someone who is not into you. A perfect segue into step 3.

(3) Drop the Desire to Want to Change Him. As I have already stated in step (1), he is who he is. If you have a burning desire to try to change him or make him better, please acknowledge the fact that YOU DON’T REALLY WANT HIM! You are not ok with what he is giving you, and that simple fact should be much more important to you than whatever great qualities you think he possesses. When faced with a situation where the guy is just not that into you, your response should be to focus on what YOU really want. You want a guy who: (1) finds you fascinating; (2) respects you and listens to you and REMEMBERS you; (3) calls you/contacts you/finds some way to communicate with you come hell or high water; (4) finds you beautiful and irresistible; (5) thinks you’re special; (6) IS INTO YOU!!

So, no matter how great you think this guy is that you’re into, and no matter how badly you wish he would do those things, if he’s not showing you those 6 things, you really don’t want him after all. Now, you may be reluctant to let go because you believe in his potential and know that he could do all of those things in the future. And, he most likely will—for a person he’s IN to! If that person is not you, the way to move on is to focus on what you want, instead of who you want. Then you will realize that you’re just not that into him, either!

(4) Acknowledge that you deserve more. In order to break a potential or actual cycle of choosing guys who are not into you, you must understand that you DESERVE someone who is into you. You DESERVE someone who is respectful, and loving, and kind to, and thoughtful of YOU. You are special and you DESERVE someone who understands that you are special. No matter what you’ve done in your past, no matter how bad your life has been, no matter the mistakes you’ve made or wrongs you have suffered, you are NOT damaged goods, you are NOT worthless, and you are most certainly NOT unlovable! And you are special simply because God said so! And that’s all there is to it. Once you can wrap your mind around that, making a list of the qualities you want in a man will be simple. The 6 qualities mentioned above are a very good start. Add more to your list and make it your own, skipping such things as money/status/employment/looks. First, focus solely on how it is you want to be treated, and NEVER settle for less than that, again!

(5) DO NOT GET AMNESIA! Ladies, the day may come when he realizes what a blind, blind, fool he’s been and wants to give it an honest go with you. Or perhaps a new man has wandered into your life that you find yourself attracted to. In either scenario, it is CRUCIAL that you write step (4) on your heart so that you will recall how you deserve to be treated. If you can’t recall how you deserve to be treated, at least dig back deep into that hole you were left in when you were treated badly. Remember how you allowed that person to make you feel insignificant, unwanted, undesirable, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough. Remember how that felt and RUN THE OTHER WAY! (And remember how you were treated and don’t treat any guy that way, either).

It is easy and comfortable to fall back into old habits, even bad ones. Conversely, it is difficult to change your own thinking about yourself, to wake up every day and tell yourself I deserve good things and actually treat yourself like you really believe that. But, it does get easier with time. Sometimes you might slip back into that poisonous comfort, but as long as you spit it back out and get back up again, you can and you will break this cycle.

Trust me. I’ve been there.

xoxo

DD

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