Ask a Diva: WAIT, You're Married?!
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The question of the week came to me via Twitter (follow me @DCDistrictDiva!), and right on time! Here’s the young woman’s question:
Hey, Diva! I’m divorced, single, celibate for two years, and flyy & on fire for God!! But, it seems like every where I go a married man is trying to holler! I’m starting to doubt myself and question myself — wonderin if I’m givin off the vibe that I’m that type [that would date a married man]. But there is 1 that I’ve been responding2-its bad. Said I NEVA even consider but them &single ones seem 2B jus coming out the woodworks. The married thing is bothering me BIG time…How do I resist? I know I’m not the only 1!
—Chicago, IL
Thanks so much for your question! This has definitely been on my heart to discuss, as I’ve had my share of men try to holler at me, only for their friends to inform me later on that the nuggets are either married or engaged! So no, you are not alone at all. I also completely understand your immediate need to look at yourself and ask if there is something you’re doing wrong to attract that kind of behavior. I think women have been socialized to believe that the way we’ve been treated by disrespectful men is somehow our own fault. But it is often more of a reflection on that married/committed man’s character than it is on your character and behavior — at least initially. Disrespect me once, shame on you. Disrespect me over and over again by continuing to pursue me knowing you are in a committed relationship/marriage? I’m going to have to take the blame for that. So here’s how to resist:
1) Realize you are being disrespected. Once in a blue moon a married man will leave his wife for someone else. Most often, they will not. Realize that he only believes you worthy of a half-hearted, likely physical relationship. You’ve been celibate for two years, you are on fire for God, and this man is trying to get you off of that path. He has nothing to offer you and is incapable of giving you the respect and relationship that you deserve. You are being disrespected because HE is a disrespectful person; he doesn’t respect his wife, and ergo, doesn’t respect himself, since husband and wife become one flesh. How can he respect you? Nobody wants to be tied to someone disrespectful. Not at all attractive. Super resistable. (For more on resisting, read “5 Tips for Celibate Living“.)
2) End all conversation. Unfollow him / block him on Twitter and Facebook so he can’t contact you. Change his number in your phone to Cheating Lying Disrespectful Nugget, so you won’t forget who he has shown you he is. It is just as much adultery for you to continue even an emotional relationship with this person as it is for the married man. That is someone else’s man — and he sounds like a sorry excuse for one. You don’t want him and he’s got nothing to say that will add any value to your life. Keep it trucking.
3) Trust God for your prince. Being celibate isn’t easy. Adding divorce on top of that, and I can only imagine the added stress and pressure you must feel to reconnect with someone in marriage — physically, spiritually, and emotionally. But don’t be in such a rush that you miss out on the prince God has made specifically for you! There is no need to worry about your biological clock when you serve the Author of Time! Stay on fire for God and continue to trust that He is bigger than your dating life, bigger than the pseudo Black woman marriage crisis, bigger than all of our problems and concerns. “Cast all of your cares on Jesus, for He cares for you!” That means He won’t ever leave you alone and has no desire to see you in pain or struggling. (More on this in my posts “I Will Wait For You: The Answer to the Sweet Nothings of Steve Harveyism” and “Do You Trust Me?“.)
4) Don’t beat yourself up. You say that talking to a married man is “bad,” it’s really “bothering” you and you’re asking how to “resist,” them, so those are all very good signs that the Holy Spirit is alive in you, pricking your heart, and letting you know that continuing to bond with this person is wrong. Paul says in Romans 7:21, “When I would do right, evil is always present!” The Enemy always comes to attack those who are on the right path and trying to live a life that is pleasing to God. The Devil even came after Jesus, so, as Jesus said in John 13:16, “I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.” That means we are not too good to be tempted or to go through struggles. The point is to continuously struggle, and not to be content living in sin. As Proverbs 24:16 tells us “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” Keep getting back up when you fall!
xoxo
DD
What do YOU think? Would you ever date a married man?
No. why am I going mess up my chances with GOD and HOLD up the process by wasting time with somebody that belongs to someone else. It’s tempting to have someone to talk to esp u been alone a long time, but its like planting seed that you know will NEVER grow into anything cept frustration. Plus GOD will relegate me to the BACK of the line. Not trying to wait any longer.
I know thats right, AP! I dont want to be anywhere near the end of the line!!
The wording of the question leaves me a little confused. Is she saying that she is talking to a married man? Also, what’s wrong with single men approaching you?
As for the main point; resisting is simple. Just say no. In words and actions. If you are entertaining a married man’s advances to any degree, you are both in the wrong. All the advice in the world won’t help you if you carry feelings, whether love or lust, in your heart.
Hey Rox! Thanks for reading and commenting! I understood her question to be that she was engaging a married man. And I think her problem with single men was that she is celibate and would like to remain so. Hopefully my post, “5 tips for Celibate Living” will be helpful. And you’re right, love or lust in the heart is very dangerous, but God is stronger than all forces and can definitely break these bonds / attractions.
I’ve been in two situations where married/taken men have approached me. The first time, I was totally bamboozled and started dating a guy and didn’t find out until AFTER i was “committed” to this dude before I found out he had a girlfriend. Total heartbreak. Who would think that you’d actually have to ASK if somebody had a girlfriend if they are taking you out on dates and wanting to spend so much time with you.(boy was i naive) The second time, I was friends with a guy prior to him getting into a relationship with this woman who he eventually married and then he started trying to form this “friends with benefit” thing, and I definitely wasn’t hearing it. But it was initially difficult to cut him off–for we were friends before hand, so every so often he’d ATTEMPT to try to cross the friendship line. Eventually the Lord spoke to me and I realized that it was just wrong for me to even keep the “friendship” lines of communication open. I thought about how i’d feel if my husband decided to remain friends with this woman that he was attractive to and hit on her and solicit more. So I cut him off.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Court, that is a trip! Thank God u had the self respect to walk away both times! God definitely has better for you than those two troubled souls. Keep your head and your faith up! Dont let anyone distract you fromyour God given purpose or the rewards you deserve!
“There is no need to worry about your biological clock when you serve the Author of Time!” I soooo needed to see this this morning, for reasons that had nothing to do with this post! You are so right on with this quote! I am engaged and my fiance is sorta-kinda pressuring me to have a baby right after we get married next year, but I am not yet ready to become a mother. He says he “doesn’t want to be a 35-year old new dad” (we are both in our late 20s), however I keep reminding him that our time to have a child is not on our time, it’s on His time, when He says we are ready. I think I will go home and tell him this quote. Thanks DD!
THank YOU Denicka!! Def appreciate you sharing your story and commenting!!