The Dithering of a District Diva

The only tidbits I know about the beautiful Helena Andrews I derived from a recent Washington Post exposé on the young, black, successful and self-described “lonely” author. Now, there were links in the article that I neglected to click on that I imagine would have divulged even more insight into Ms. Andrews and her psyche, but the four-page article was honestly more than I could bear, for one; and for two, it was just enough to capture an idea of some misconceptions she might want to rethink.

For those of you who skipped the article, I’ll sum it up for you: Andrews is about to get paid big bucks for a book and a screenplay she will write that perpetuates the myth that Black successful women are doomed to a life of singledom or settlement. After all, she’s Black, successful, and single—as are her girlfriends, and those sad, sad women on CNN’s unfortunate “‘Black’ in America” series, and what’s more, her sorority sister committed suicide (presumably because she was a Black, successful, single, lonely, woman? it’s unclear.)—therefore, it must be true!

In the words of that cuddly Joe Biden, this is absolute “malarkey.”

I absolutely do not buy into this “phenomenon” of the single, successful, lonely Black woman that has been constantly rammed down our throats by the media. Are there Black women who are both successful and single? Yes there are. Are some of those women also lonely? Yes, some of them are. But is it a phenomenon? I beg to differ. But to Andrews’ and the Wa-Po author’s credit, there was a disclaimer that says Andrews is “ not talking about all young black women, but some. Revealing a story not oft told.” Yet, the problem with this statement is that it is not true. This same sad song has been sung by the mainstream media on at least four different occasions in the past year alone, and it has been internalized by way too many Black women as a fact and not an anomaly, as a result of the media’s insistence. While I normally forego engaging articles or t.v. specials whose goal is to paint Black women with a single sad brush, I am so disturbed by the responses I have heard from women and men on this topic that I am compelled to speak on it.

In the article, Andrews poses a question I’ll only assume was not rhetorical:

People keep talking about the black single woman in D.C. But do you know who she is? Does she know what she wants? They should stop saying we have it all together. . . . I am that single black woman in Washington, D.C. Why is she single? This is who I am. Tell me.

Well, since you asked…

But be forewarned: I am only a mildly successful SINGLE Black woman in Washington, D.C., who is 5 years your junior, so do take my advice with a grain of salt.

Here’s Why You’re Lonely:

(1)The Problem: “Successful, black, and lonely.” The Wa-Po article on Helena Andrews is entitled: “Successful, black, and lonely.” Hmmm. While it makes for a great song, and the title certainly caught the attention of many Wa-Po readers and will sell you some books and movie tickets, I have NEVER, in all my 24 years of living, heard a successful, single, Black man say, “you know who I want to get with? That lonely girl.” I would never allow anyone writing an article about me to characterize me in that light—mostly because I do not characterize myself in that light. Granted, all people get lonely at times. I get lonely at times—times that have been well-documented—but I would never describe myself as a “lonely” person or allow myself to internalize such a label. I am truly baffled that Andrews characterizes herself that way, especially when the article author wrote this about Andrews:

Andrews’ résumé is a snapshot of upward mobility. She graduated from Columbia University, majoring in English literature and creative writing, worked at O Magazine, then went to graduate school for journalism at Northwestern, and in 2005 landed as a news assistant in the New York Times Washington bureau. At the moment, she is not working, but waiting for all the deals to be sealed with the movie.

Forget the rest of the amazing stuff…this woman worked for Oprah. Seriously? Please note that if I ever work for Oprah, I will forever be known as “that chick that worked for Oprah.” Really? “Successful, Black, and lonely?” With a resume like that, this is the way you view yourself? The mind boggles.

And it get’s worse. Andrews says of herself: “I’m a mean woman. I don’t date nice people. That’s why I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle.”

The “mean” part I’ll save for later, but you have already categorized yourself as someone who will “be alone for the rest of my life,” or “will always have to settle.” Those are the choices you have limited yourself to? That is as highly as you think of yourself? How do you expect anyone else to view you any differently?

And finally: “I need a boo. My life sucks. When your life sucks, a winter boo with his own apartment would be awesome to have.” So, just to grasp your general thesis, when life sucks, get a temporary man and then you’ll feel better about yourself? To quote the title of a not-so-great book, “Get a Life, Then Get a Man.” Your life sucks because your main focus is on finding a “winter boo.” Just, why?

The Solution: Adjust Your Thinking. The bottomline is, people–whether they be women or men—view you the way you view yourself. If you don’t want to be seen as “lonely,” sad, and desperate, try not to think of yourself that way. There are some amazing characteristics about you that should come to mind far more quickly than “lonely.” Embrace those.

And furthermore—if you want to perpetuate something to the masses—instead of negativity, why not spread the reality that there is not a shortage of high quality men; on the contrary, there is a shortage of virtuous women (to paraphrase my cousin’s pastor). Why not internalize and perpetuate that: “I am the rarity and the prize.” When you believe and start carrying yourself in a way that says women like you are rare, men will believe that about you, too.

You’d be surprised at the way men view you once you change the way you view yourself.

(2) The Problem: “Bitch is the New Black.” The title of Andrews’ book and presumably her screenplay is “Bitch is the New Black.” In the article, Andrews discusses the premise behind the title:

Helena Andrews says she is a mean girl. That is where the title of the book comes from.

“It’s much easier if you have a mask, ‘Don’t [expletive] with me.’ Then you don’t have to worry about office politics.” She once asked a colleague, “Why does no one say hi to me in the morning?”

“Because you are a bitch,” the colleague replied.

Andrews wasn’t offended. That is her way of moving through the world. That way you don’t get hurt, you mask any softness or weakness inside.

The Solution: Adjust Your Attitude. I’ll be brief with this one: good luck meeting a guy who enjoys being treated like crap while you “mask your weakness.” And, should you meet said masochist, please run the other direction (his quiet resentment will build and build and build until suddenly he bursts and smothers you with a pillow. How’s that for “sad and lonely?”) And how do you expect love to find you (“find you” being the operative words) if you are all closed off and hiding from it? Lose the mask. Do not allow yourself to be used, but enjoy the thrill of vulnerability and allow a man to gain your trust.

(3)The Problem: “Maybe Tonight Is My Night.” Andrews characterizes what she describes as the “typical” ritual for Black women dating in the city:

Andrews writes about what it is like for a young, black woman dating in D.C., trying to find a mate who seems ever elusive. The futile rituals are familiar: the dressing up, the eager cab ride over to the party, the hold-your-breath as you walk in, scanning the room quickly for any looks returned. The mantra sounding in the back of your head: “So-and-so found a man last year at a party like this. Maybe tonight is my night.” Then one by one, the men prove to be disappointments and disappointing: married, uninteresting or uninterested.

The disappointment as you end up at the bar once again, committing straw violence in your drink (stirring the drink frantically and unconsciously).

Andrews writes the truth of those nights. The truth is for too many, they never work out.

The Solution: Embrace the Night. When I read this paragraph, I just wanted to scream: Girl! You’re at a PARTY!! Yes, tonight IS your night! As should every night be that you are, I don’t know, at a PARTY! Seriously, going to a party to meet a man is about as ridiculous a thing as one can do. Allow yourself to be thrilled by the concept of dressing up, looking fabulous, and having a good time. Sure, the male attention that is sure to come with the package is a wonderful perk and an excellent ego booster, but that is just simply a part of the fun. There are so many interesting people you could be meeting, there is dancing, there is drinking, there is food, there is merriment, and you are MISSING IT by scanning the party to see if you’re future husband is there. ENJOY THE NOW. Drink in the moments. It is simply a crime not to live—and enjoy—the life that God gave you.

Besides the fact that you are obligated to live life, you worked for freakin’ Oprah! (Seriously, none of that “Live Your Best Life” stuff rubbed off on you during your “O” Magazine tenure?) You are well within your rights to be high off that for the rest of your life. Incorporate Oprah into your swag. In the times you feel bummed about going to a party with no date, let that simple fact build you up. “I can do anything, I worked for Oprah,” should be your mantra. (I worked with T.I. for 5 short months from 2007-2008; it is now the end of 2009, he might no longer remember my name, and I am STILL riding off that! And he’s just Tip!) Walking into a room knowing you are that chick should be enough to get you 10 husbands for the evening, if you choose to carry yourself like someone who knows she is amazing and has done amazing things.

The point is, if you’re at a party, enjoy the party. No man wants the chick who is depressed at the bar “committing straw violence in [her] drink;” a man wants to be around the woman who enjoys being around herself. Dancing by yourself should be a must do.

(4) The Problem: “She has seen her father once, when she was 6 months old.“ The Wa-Po author writes:

Her mother is a lesbian. She has seen her father once, when she was 6 months old. When Helena was 7, her mother decided to move to Spain, but the girl’s grandmother kidnapped her.

Is this a true story, you ask.

“Yes, it’s my life story.”

Ok, everyone has problems. And allow me to repeat that I am merely taking the information provided to me in this one article, and have no other source to determine what is at the root of her difficulty with men, but the correlation between a daughter’s relationship with her father and her subsequent relationships with men is not rocket science. A woman’s relationship with her father impacts her self-esteem and sets the stage for her interaction with men. Is being abandoned and discarded by her father at the root of the “bitchy” mask she wears to protect herself from being hurt by men who might abandon and discard her? I have no clue. But I would venture a guess that I’m in the right ballpark, at least.

The Solution: Examine Men in the Context of Male Role Models. Black women, Black people, “therapist” is not a dirty word. About the only thing I agree with Andrews on is this damaging stereotype and fallacy that the Black woman is supposed to be “strong.” Often times, that “strength” can be misapplied to mean that we are supposed to be able to handle all of our issues on our own. It is not a weakness to seek help. It is probably one of the strongest, bravest things you can do within a culture that has so stigmatized therapy as something “we just don’t do.” But that’s a whole ‘nother blog post. The point is, the relationships you have had with your father or father figures—or lack there of—must be analyzed. The only way to move forward into a healthy way of viewing yourself first, and then men, is to analyze the impact that your father has had on your self-esteem and the images you have internalized about men. The key to healthy, successful living and relationships is to get to the root of your issues with men by dealing with the man who wasn’t there for you, first and filtering out any poison you may have ingested as a result.

(5) The Problem: It’s Not” Me,” It’s “Us.” I must address the fact that Andrews and all of her super smart successful Black women friends are “lonely,” too, going on dates that “never work out”:

I have tons of friends who are extremely successful lawyers and lobbyists, staffers on the Hill. They are great at what they do. They are in their late 20s and early 30s…They dress a certain way. They go out on the weekend. . . . And still they end up going home, and it’s you and your damned dog.

The article continues:

The genesis of Andrews’s book came from a conversation a few years ago between Andrews and Gina, a social scientist who lives in Los Angeles. They wanted to start a blog to explore “why black women can’t find a man.” The day she talked to an agent about this idea and pitched it as a book, one of her sorority sisters committed suicide. “She looked like any other successful black woman,” Andrews says of her friend. “Good clothes, stylish. Ivy League degree, master’s.” Nobody saw it coming. She won’t discuss the details, but you can see it in her face, the mind racing over the why.

Firstly, if you are thinking of committing suicide for any reason, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK immediately.

Secondly, I think it is irresponsible to characterize this woman’s suicide as the result of being a “successful yet lonely Black woman.” Anyone who is thinking of or attempts suicide is deeply troubled, for reasons that deserve the analysis of a licensed psychiatrist, and should not be cloaked under the many repercussions of an unhappy dating life.

But thirdly, getting back to my original point with this quote, and besides the fact that misery loves company, it is sooooo much easier for you to deal with your own reality when you realize that there are other successful, single, lonely Black women out there in the world right there with you. This way, you can easily and comfortably dismiss your own issues with an, “ooooh, you know what? This is a Black woman thing,” as opposed to a Helena Andrews thing. Because if it’s a Helena Andrews thing, then there is something wrong with you. And internal flaws and self-reflection are often the most difficult thing a person can ever deal with.

But worse than not dealing with your own issues (see above sections (1), (2), (3), and (4)), is to force your own lacking and insecurities onto masses of women who are dealing with their own lacking and insecurities and are thus far more susceptible to buying into the distorted reality you are selling (both figuratively and literally, in the form of a blog, a newspaper article in the Washington Post, a book from Harper Collins, and a Shonda Rhimes-produced movie. Don’t start me on Shonda!) Thus, you’ve birthed the twisted mentality of “I’m O.K., you’re O.K., it’s those darn (fill in the blanks) that are the problem.”

The Solution: It’s You. You are an intelligent, successful, talented, beautiful woman who has issues like everyone else. Don’t dwell on your issues, but examine them and correct them as best you can. Strive to be a better version of yourself every day. Lose the attitude and the mask, enjoy your (obviously!) fabulous life and use your talent for writing to show other women how to enjoy their single lives—and most importantly, themselves. You and the world will be much better served as a result.

(I’ll just skip over the oxymoronic sentiment that the Black women portrayed by Andrews are “ post-racial feminists,” who face the reality of “ loneliness at their jobs, because most likely they are the only black person there and people treat them like they are the only black person there” because it is completely off topic. (Seriously, though, how “post-racial” is that?) No, I won’t digress.)

And I’ve already given you my disclaimer. Yes, I am 5 years your junior, so maybe I’m just not at that desperate age of 29 (!!) where not having a man is a life-ending phenomenon. And maybe, once I get to 29, I’ll join the panic room. But for now, I’ll just say, it’s you, honey. A THOUSAND TIMES OVER, it’s you. Fix it the Oprah way.

xoxo

DD

UPDATED: HELENA RESPONDS!

UPDATE #2: Read my EXCLUSIVE review of Andrews’ “Bitch is the New Black” HERE!

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