What to Do When He's Just Not That Into You
Hello, lovely. You’re here for a reason and I value you as a fellow human being, so I’m just going to rip the band-aid right off and tell you the truth: If you came to this page because you had to Google whether a guy is into you, he’s not. He’s just not. But it’s okay! I’ve been there and I’m here to help you! Here, in two parts, is how you can know for sure if a guy isn’t into you and what you can do about it.
Part One: 5 Signs He’s Just Not That Into You
(1) He takes absolutely no interest in your personal life or viewpoints beyond a superficial level. If the guy’s questions to you barely penetrate the surface questions: “how are you/ how’s it going?” He’s just not that into. (It’s not that he’s shy, or is nervous around you, or can’t find the words because you’re so intimidating. More than likely, he just does not care enough to exert the effort it takes to get to know you). When a guy is really interested in you, he takes an interest in you. He will ask you questions about yourself, your life, your goals, your viewpoints, your family, because he wants to get to know you. Even if you are talkative, like me, and don’t give a guy a chance to initiate questions, he will still find a way to ask you follow-up questions regarding what you have just divulged to him because you are interesting to him. If he doesn’t ask, you’re not.
(2) He forgets important things about you. If the guy doesn’t remember your birthday, doesn’t call you on holidays, doesn’t recall you sharing a significant event in your life with him, or can’t be bothered to celebrate big events in your life with you, then he’s just not that into you. A guy that is into you remembers you. The things you say matter to him. When you mention events or people who have impacted your life, he remembers them. You will know he listens when you speak because he will bring up things you have said in future conversations. Even if he doesn’t agree with your viewpoints, he will simply respect you enough to listen to and recall them because you are important to him. If he doesn’t, you are NOT.
(3) He doesn’t call. It’s one of the simplest things a guy can do to let a girl know he’s into her. Even if he’s super busy with work, or is going through a stressful time in his life, or is having family issues, or is fresh out of minutes, or is even across an ocean, there are about 10 million mediums through which he can contact you in the 21st century at some point during the 1,440 minutes there are in a day. Especially if you contacted him first. He will make sure he responds in a timely and respectable fashion because he thinks you are important. He will fit time to converse with you into his life because he thinks you are important. Therefore, to paraphrase a line from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, if he’s not calling you, texting you, emailing you, tweeting you, skyping you, facebooking you, g-chatting you, myspaceing you, morse coding you, smoke signaling you, message-in-a-bottling-you—HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. (And by the way, if he is only communicating with you through texts and other electronics, please question why he thinks that’s o.k. and put a stop to it).
READ MORE: WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE SAYS “NO” TO FORGIVENESS OR RECONCILIATION
(4) He’s not trying to get into your pants. I’ve also had this conversation with a young lady recently, and I hate to say it, but—unless he directly tells you he is celibate or saving himself for marriage—if he is not trying to hold your hand, kiss you, hug you longer than necessary, or touch you affectionately, he’s just not that into you. Trust me, the nicest and most respectful of men will still try to get the goods. If he’s physically attracted to you, he will BUST A MOVE. If he makes zero moves in that direction, he sees you as a friend, or sister, or wants to be your gay boyfriend. That is all.
(5) He talks to you about as much as he talks to other women. Whether you are equal in his eyes to the other women he spends time with, or, even more hurtful, he spends more time with others than he does with you, either way, YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL to him. Let that marinate. A guy who is into you will make you feel appreciated, wanted, desired, and special. If you get all giddy because a guy says “I miss you” and then you look on his Facebook wall to see he’s said the same thing to about 3 other chicks, please stop feeling giddy immediately. You are one of many.
A guy that is into you will do things that let you know you are special to him. Perhaps not everyday of the week, but more often than not, you will feel: set apart, different, special. If not, well, you know…
Great! Now that we’ve done the hardest part—identified the problem—we can move on to the solution.
Part two: 5 Steps To Get Over It
(1) Resist the urge to dismiss him as a “jerk,” etc. Labeling the guy as someone bad or evil because he does not return your level of affection or devotion does you absolutely no service. Yes, it might be true. He might have used and abused you, led you on, taken advantage of you, etc., and he very well may be a douchebag, but: (a) chances are HE WAS A DOUCHEBAG WHEN YOU MET HIM; and (b) for your own betterment and development, what/who he is does not really matter. When you focus on what he is or who he is or what he did or didn’t do to you, all that does is distract your thinking and place the focus on what is fundamentally wrong with him instead of analyzing yourself and how you got yourself entangled with this person. All that matters now is how to end a self-destructive pattern of choosing men who are unavailable to you. For ONCE, it is ALL ABOUT YOU. And he just gets to be the vehicle that drove you to the point of self-discovery.
(2) Realize you cannot change him. Women sometimes get caught up in the fallacy that if a man would just change, then you both could be happy together. Or, even worse, if he could just see how much you love and adore him, then surely he would return the feelings and you could be happy together. And—rock bottom—if you invest your time and energy into him and making him better, then he will appreciate you and never leave you and of course, you could be happy together. Not. Gonna. Happen. All the hoping, praying, begging, pleading, loving, adoring, investing and energizing in the world cannot and will not change anybody into the person you want him to be. (It just ought to leave you physically and emotionally drained, though). When he shows you and tells you exactly who he is, BELIEVE HIM. And then, realize that him not being into you is HIS problem, and not a fatal flaw within you. But you love him best, you’ll treat him right, he cares more about people who don’t care about him and he’s going to keep on getting hurt….HIS problems, hunny. As my favorite law school professor says, “Other people’s problems are other people’s problems. Don’t make them your own.”
Instead of wasting your time trying to change him, focus EVERY DROP OF YOUR ENERGY on trying to change what attracted you to someone who is not into you. A perfect segue into step 3.
(3) Drop the Desire to Want to Change Him. As I have already stated in step (1), he is who he is. If you have a burning desire to try to change him or make him better, please acknowledge the fact that YOU DON’T REALLY WANT HIM! You are not o.k. with what he is giving you, and that simple fact should be much more important to you than whatever great qualities you think he possesses. When faced with a situation where the guy is just not that into you, your response should be to focus on what YOU really want. You want a guy who: (1) finds you fascinating; (2) respects you and listens to you and REMEMBERS you; (3) calls you/contacts you/finds some way to communicate with you come hell or high water; (4) finds you beautiful and irresistible; (5) thinks you’re special; (6) IS INTO YOU!!
So, no matter how great you think this guy is that you’re into, and no matter how badly you wish he would do those things, if he’s not showing you those 6 things, you really don’t want him after all. Now, you may be reluctant to let go because you believe in his potential and know that he could do all of those things in the future. And, he most likely will—for a person he’s IN to! If that person is not you, the way to move on is to focus on what you want, instead of who you want. Then you will realize that you’re just not that into him, either!
(4) Acknowledge that you deserve more. In order to break a potential or actual cycle of choosing guys who are not into you, you must understand that you DESERVE someone who is into you. You DESERVE someone who is respectful, and loving, and kind to, and thoughtful of YOU. You are special and you DESERVE someone who understands that you are special. No matter what you’ve done in your past, no matter how bad your life has been, no matter the mistakes you’ve made or wrongs you have suffered, you are NOT damaged goods, you are NOT worthless, and you are most certainly NOT unlovable! And you are special simply because God said so! And that’s all there is to it. Once you can wrap your mind around that, making a list of the qualities you want in a man will be simple. The 6 qualities mentioned above are a very good start. Add more to your list and make it your own, skipping such things as money/status/employment/looks. First, focus solely on how it is you want to be treated, and NEVER settle for less than that, again!
(5) DO NOT GET AMNESIA! Ladies, the day may come when he realizes what a blind, blind, fool he’s been and wants to give it an honest go with you. Or perhaps a new man has wandered into your life that you find yourself attracted to. In either scenario, it is CRUCIAL that you write step (4) on your heart so that you will recall how you deserve to be treated. If you can’t recall how you deserve to be treated, at least dig back deep into that hole you were left in when you were treated badly. Remember how you allowed that person to make you feel insignificant, unwanted, undesirable, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough. Remember how that felt and RUN THE OTHER WAY! (And remember how you were treated and don’t treat any guy that way, either).
It is easy and comfortable to fall back into old habits, even bad ones. Conversely, it is difficult to change your own thinking about yourself, to wake up every day and tell yourself I deserve good things and actually treat yourself like you really believe that. But, it does get easier with time. Sometimes you might slip back into that poisonous comfort, but as long as you spit it back out and get back up again, you can and you will break this cycle.
Trust me. I’ve been there.
xoxo
DD
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amazing article — for women of all ages and situations. whole piece is wonderful but steps #4 & 5 are esp.extraordinary — thanks!
Thanks so much for reading & commenting, Swiss!
i learned so much from this DD
So glad you were blessed, thanks so much for reading and commenting!!!
Thank you soo much,after reading this Article i feel like am heart free.God bless you
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This article actually made me tear up a little (haven’t had that experience often!) because it told me exactly what I needed to hear even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. I kind of knew it already, but this really hit it home for me. Very well said, and very good advice. Its given me the right push to know things are going to be done differently from now on. Thank you.
I’m so glad Alex!! Thanks for reading and sharing!
Wow, this is so accurate, this really helped… I now know how we stand. Thanks for writing the article!~
Thanks so much for reading Andrea! So glad you were helped by it!!
I loved this. It made me laugh and cry at the same time. Thank you for the straight talk and the honest words, even if it hurts. Someone’s got to tell it like it is. Keep writing stuff like this please…
Hi Frustrated!! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I am so glad you were blessed and took the time to share with me!!
this is soooo hilarious but yet true and very practical. Thank you so much for hammering it in. Hahaha!! Dummies guide.
I feel a whole lot better and certainly am more confident about myself and that rejection is not YOUR fault.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting Anonymous! So glad this post was helpful to you!!
I could cry right now,am madly inlove with someone and he’s showing all the signs of not being into me.I just have to face the truth now and move on.
Oh Anonymous! I’m so sorry for your pain. I wrote this post when I was in the throes of pain myself. I wrote this post so that I could get through it and hopefully help other people get through it. I’m telling you, that person who wasn’t into me doesn’t even cross my mind anymore! It absolutely gets better. And they always, always, ALWAYS come back around. But the thing is, when they DO come back around it’s generally at a point when we can see them objectively and realize the fantasy we had of the person is NOTHING close to who the person really is. Keep your head up, dear.
Thank you for this post. I needed to read this today. I’m completely falling for this guy that’s not into me. I hate he pops into my life when it’s convenient. I find myself trying to be nice to him when I really resent him a lot. It’s hard to ignore him, I feel weak because I always end up giving in. It needs to stop.
I’m so glad this encouraged you, Victoria! Know what you deserve and never settle for less than that!
Please tell me how we’re you able to let go right now I am at the point to take a decision am going through alot I want to let go but the problem I fa e is that am scared I may break down an even if I try to let go he doesn’t care at all please how can I let go an be free from my painful an toxic relationship
Hi Fatima,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you’re at the point where you need to make a conscious choice to do what is best for yourself. You can’t get free of a toxic relationship until you’re ready to say and believe that you deserve better than what you’re receiving and then put feet to your words to get out of that situation. Get a circle of friends to keep you accountable when you feel like you might want to go back to a toxic situation. With time, it does get easier to be alone and you’ll get to redirect all of the energy you’re wasting trying to make a toxic relationship work back into yourself and rediscover your goals and who you want to be and how you want to feel. Best of luck Fatima!
I always doubt they ALWAYS come back. I’m going through it right now! I love him so much and he left me 1 week ago and I always questioned he wasn’t into me. My best friend tells me they ALWAYS COME BACK. I’m impatient and don’t believe he will come back – I feel like he’s just going to forget about me. We were together for 2.5 yrs. He’s 10 years younger than me and has no kids. I have two kids and I think he just wants different things. All to say I’m hurt and still love him and don’t think he will come back.
I’m so sorry you are hurting! This is a fresh pain too that may take a long while to heal from. I hope the time you spent together was enjoyable. I like to live in the gratitude of those enjoyable experiences, remembering that people don’t belong to us and the foundation of healthy love is that people are free to come and go of their own will, as long as they’re not violating your boundaries. He will probably come back, but the important question will be what you want and who you want and how you want feel. Sending love your way!
I’m so blessed with your article and it brings a smile back on my face. May God increase your talent :))
Thank you so much for this article. I read it over and saved it in my favorites and just now had to read it again.. because I fell into that leaving entertaining voicemails for him again.. but, I think to myself.. if I did finally get him where I wanted.. then what? Another bad relationship that I would have to get out of? I promised myself I would not pursue any toxic or bad relationship with someone who would treat me badly and low and behold, here we are again.. smh Oh, but he is so cute and tall.. blah blah .. point is.. he don’t call or text or email back and just leaves me hanging like that leaving me with low self-esteem.. confusion amongst other things. The only thing I have going for me is that we did not have sex but came close.. thank goodness my aunt called.. you know it takes a long time to get to know someone and sex is a big subject.. I really still like him and these days it’s hard to make a relationship work.. again.. thank you so much for this article and I’m reading other self help books as well and I will return to read this everyday if I have to so as to move on and remind myself what I should NOT be accepting or putting up with
I am so glad you were blessed, LLG! I often come back and re-read this, too! It’s a process. I’m praying for and with you, sis! It gets better.
Thank you
You are so welcome!! Thank you for reading and commenting!
But what if you really like the guy and you can’t really move on then what else are supposed to do? Cuz i feel like hes the one for me but he isnt really giving me that much of attention.
Can u please help me out
Hey Sam. I’m so sorry you are hurting. But that guy is not for you. The good news is that you can and you will move on. Give love to yourself. Kiss both shoulders. Take some time to appreciate the people in your life who treat you well, the way you deserve to be treated. That’s how you move on, by knowing you deserve great things, accepting that everyone isn’t going to give it to you, giving great things to yourself, and appreciating the ones in your life who treat you the right way.
I also think it CAN be partly down to a dynamics thing……if a woman is all too keen too quickly and obviously persuing him…..it doesn t allow him the space to desire and take the initiatives and move towards her. She can come across as a tad desperate… and that is not appealing ….and does him out of the hunter/ win you over role. IF you are over keen on him / trying to win him over (and i have to admit I ve done it in the past, a few years back) it can make you seem less appealing and of less value to him….than a prize ie. you- he has to put in some work to gain…..
This was really well written and very helpful. I am starting to think that I might not be into HIM! Thanks for writing this.
Thank you so much for reading, Christi! I am so glad you were blessed! It’s amazing what happens when we really start to think about what we want and if we’re really finding it in this person we’ve idealized! The truth hurts but it will surely set you free!
Thank You so much for this! I know this- I really do- And, I have all along. But I needed to hear it again. And I will favorite it, and read it again and again especially when I am feeling desperate to text him. Thank God I’m not a Loser, and I’m not the Only One. Thank you for telling me, and thank you for sharing your story and your strength. God Bless!
Hi BJoy! Thanks so much for reading and sharing with me. I am so glad you were blessed and that this post continues to be a blessing!! If I ever doubted that I went through all of that relationship foolishness for a reason, I always come back to this post and read these great comments and know it was not in vain!! Thanks again! DD
I figured y’all might like an update: Well, I found out what was up with Mr. Wonderful. Turns out, he has been chasing a woman that is out of his league. So, I guess my boost to his ego and all the love and genuine care (with a bit of obsession, lol) was all he and she needed to close the deal. I’m grateful at least she had enough compassion nd respect for me to text me and tell me what was going on so I could finally be free nd move on with my life! Yeah I was hurt but back to myself in a couple of days with a new found freedom and insight. I’m so done for a while.. All I want is my peice of mind, freedom, and the ability to set standards for myself and keep them. She told me “A woman will only receive what she sees in and for herself and to not settle for less” I know it is going to be hard for him seeing me all the time bc he is friends with my cousins on facebook! I know he will regret not having my attention and love but I pray that their relationship works out. Which is what my Lord would have me do. Plus, I could not ask for more in all other areas of my life. Praying for and with all of you ladies.
With love,
Loving Loyal Girl
-hugs
Thank you for sharing!! That moment of clarity when you realize that this person in front of you is nothing like the guy you made up in your head >>>>>>! It is a true moment of clarity and closure from the other person is always nice if you can get it but it’s best not to need it! Keep believing!
Thank you SO much for this article…it is so well written and its really helping me at the moment as im going through the same situation. It feels like such a relief to finally realise that you do not really need such people in your life. Thanks again for a great article!
Thanks for this. It really helped me
One question is what if he does almost all of these things…I like him but I don’t want to lose our friendship. I don’t want to confess and have things become awkward..besides I know I can move on. I just want to know whether he thinks the same way or thinks of me as a sister.
Thanks for reading, Morningbird! If you have to ask, the answer is: sister. Men and boys alike are pretty clear on their intentions and, if he liked it, then he would’ve put a ring on it.
Thank you SO much for this article. I found it very realistic and empowering. You’re absolutely right, we are ALL special and deserve to be treated so. This doesn’t mean we need to be demanding or high maintenance, it just means that there are basic ways of being treated that we need to require. After all, it’s better to be alone, single and fabulous than with someone that makes us feel alone or less than cherished. Love and positive vibes! xxx
Dee that is wonderful! I am so happy it’s still useful after all these years! All the best as you move into an exciting and empowering future!
HEY…IM EXPERIENCING A GUY NOT INTO ME AND I MUST SAY IT NOT AN EASY THING TO DEAL WITH AND HONESTLY IT NOT AN EASY THING TO LET GO…. I FEEL I SHOULD CONFRONT HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL ….A
wonderful; thank you so much.. you have just made my weekend. <3
known him four years, living with him now, actually moved to a different state with him. He does not acknowledge my birthday because he “forgets” even his own mothers b-day, I asked him what color my eyes are and he said Green? they are Blue. I clean for him, do his laundry, help him at his shop, with no pay mind you- In return he cooks for me, takes care of the outdoor stuff he is nice to me just not very intimate, everything seems to rotate around his business. No sex for past at least 2 months and I have gone back to my home state recently for a family visit no sex before or after, if it does happen there’s usually no foreplay just the Act. I left the article up for him to read and he thinks I’m a B**** and says he’s not that way because it’s not him and hes tired of being in crap for doing nothing, so I must mention we are about 18 years in age difference, I’m the older, I feel like an idiot. He takes me places, is encouraging and believes in me as far as me trying new things, we have some friends and they accept our relationship, very complicated and I guess I need to figure out what I really want, Maybe its me, perhaps he waits for me to initiate things. P.S. when he returned to his homeland 3 years ago he started a relationship with someone else he met during his 6 weeks there. I found out about it shortly after he returned and we broke up but got back together a few weeks later, he said he ended it with her because he wanted to be with me. I’m sure the people reading this are saying “Really”! move on lady your being taken for a ride. I would appreciate some feedback, he says he Loves me but only says it if he’s had a few to many, and says he never says that to anyone not even his mother.
Hi Patti! Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I think we are all here and why this post has been my absolute most popular post ever, is because many people can relate to this feeling of being stuck in cycles with people who do not love us the way we deserve to be loved. It seems you have really answered your own question here and realized that this guy is not for you. It sounds like he’s not the guy for anyone, if he cannot even acknowledge love to his mother. This is NOT your problem or your fault, therefore, you get to walk away from this unhealthy unloving relationship without feeling like you have any responsibility to help him or fix him or support him or anything. You don’t. You get to focus 100% on someone who is more emotionally and physically mature, perhaps someone closer to your age who compliments your life and goals and desires much better, someone who speaks your love language or at least is willing to discover your love language and adjust his behavior to your love language so that you always feel loved and respected in the relationship. Know that you alone are enough, Patti! That means you can leave this relationship and be by yourself for awhile and enjoy yourself, rebuild whatever parts of you this relationship has broken down and know that you are o.k. and you will be o.k. God bless! Please keep us posted on how you’re doing. I’m praying all the best for you!
Thank you for your insight, I only wish I read this article years ago, it would have saved me a ton of heartbreak, worry and stress, not to mention money. You are a very wise person, I have always believed in having a plan “B” and I did buy my own house in a town almost 20 miles from his and have been gradually moving my things so deep in my heart I have known this will not work no matter how much he talks about what we will be doing in the future. God Bless to you and yours and keep up the good work…
Thank you. I just went through a breakup with a guy who couldn’t call me first.. I usually called first but then when I didn’t he wouldn’t either. He even went days without any contact with me but had time to post Facebook pictures hahaha. This article really puts things into perspective.. he just wasn’t that into me.. or couldn’t give me a minute in the day.
Hi, lovely. I’m sorry you had to go through that. People can be really thoughtless sometimes. But now that you’ve broken up, you can get to the healing stage faster. Sending you love and light as you keep pushing forward! xoxoDD
WONDERFULLY stated and written article. I’ve read similar blogs/articles to this, but the way this was written was like no-nonsense advice. I’ve been in a relationship for about 6 months with a guy that lives a few hours away. He has almost constant child custody court battles and very busy at work so that leaves…..VERY little time for us to arrange a weekend together – which would be the only time we would see each other due to the distance. He told me on our 4th date that he was falling in love with me and gave me a “forever” charm. But since then, he has yet to mention the “L” word again and he hardly ever utters a word of affection anymore. It’s very hard not to analyze to DEATH why he has pulled away…….and keeps me awake at night trying to figure him out, yet I know full well how self-destructive and pointless that is, but it’s a hard habit to break. But, THANK YOU for your article and my heart goes out to all of us on here that have gone through this heartache.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Donna! You’re not alone. I hope everything works out for your good.
We ourselves convert the frog into Prince Charming by idealizing these men, and they don’t even have to make any effort. It’s all our imagination working around an ideal man image. I need to start valuing men who approach me with real intentions and invest time working on whatever can be improved on these real potential relationships.
Thank you so much for your insight DD it was refreshing to read, in such detail, all the truths we should tell ourselves when considering a new man in our lives. I just recently met someone that thought he could pull one over on me, and he might have, had I not been working on myself. I flat out told him if he’s not serious he’s messing with the wrong woman cause I know “stuff” and I hadn’t heard from him again..LOL I love being informed, strong and wise. God made us with knowledge and when we use it, it’s awesome! Anyhow, may we all stay strong and beautiful. Thanks again DD!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Steph! And thanks for sharing your story! So glad you were in the right state of mind to protect yourself from someone who did not have your best interests at heart! That is so invaluable. Amen to your prayer that we stay strong and beautiful!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Helen. May we all start to value ourselves more and value the people who value us!
This was the best article I ever read and I could relate SO MUCH to this ! Thank you for this lovely post I am so happy right now.
I feel like a dark period of my life is over.Thank you for making me love myself again !
Thanks alot
This article slapped me silly, as if it were written about me. Sad but true.
Thank you for your article. I cried at every line I think. Everything I want to deny is perfectly written down right here.
It’s good to feel like someone understands me. I feel so alone, giving away all my energy for this guy and getting nothing in return. I’m exactly at the rock bottom part, and I didn’t have a clue. That’s a slap in my face. a good one.
The guy seemed to be into me, a year ago. He made me feel like I was very special, smiled at me a lot, told me he liked being with me. I just wasn’t into him. He sure had qualities, but he was not my type, too immature, not manly enough, I thought. He was a good friend and I used to spend a lot of time with him anyway. And as time passed, I end up loving being with him. Looking forward to it. Loving the fact that he was so himself. Loving how I felt when we were together… But in the meantime he seemingly gave up on me. Maybe he just followed the same advices I’m reading here haha… I realize my story looks ridiculous on paper. But it’s actually really sad…
I didn’t see it happen. I suddenly lost him. He got busy with other things; studying, video games; and suddenly he had too many things to do to come see me. He used to text me a lot, but it stopped.
So I thought, it’s about time I tell him how I feel! And then he will be in love with me back again, it will be wonderful. I invited him to do stuff, thinking “he’s gonna be so happy realizing i love him after all!”. But no. Seing my text only a day later, he declined, too busy, sorry. So I invited him again. Same response. And again. I got scared, I went to see him, I told him I missed him. He smiled and only said “good night”. For two weeks we didn’t see each other. And now when he sees me he salutes me and quickly go on his way. And everyday I get home, and I burst in tears. It’s been a month now, it’s time I face it, he’s not, and he won’t be into me anymore. But I love him so badly… this is a very hard situation i’ve never been confronted to.
I’m sorry to write all my life story down, but it really feels good to write this! I had no idea. Again, thank you for your article. You got out of it, therefore I can… Have a nice continuation, cheers.
This was a great article. I would like to add that a man’s actions need to reflect his words.
When a man says things like :”I miss you” , “I love you, I always will” and signs off every email with “I love you, Your Forever Husband”, well…. that all SOUNDS good…. but those words cannot be true when there are no actions to back up the words.
He swears he means every sweet and loving word, but that must mean he is kidding himself, because he isn’t kidding me with the lack of action.
He used to love me and I knew it full well by what he used to do. But he changed what he does and I can tell he no longer loves me. He assures me he DOES love me and he said his feelings haven’t changed since when he used to show me he loved me. But his actions absolutely did change and that speaks volumes!
The choices he has been making in his life over the past year and a half do not reflect a love for me, nor a true bonafide interest in me. I have accepted the sad fact that the relationship is over even though he still uses words that indicate he still loves me.
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This article is great. It somewhat explains the situation I had with my ex. It took me awhile after he broke up w/ me to realize he just wasn’t that into me. He did a lot of the right things that gave me mixed signals (told me he loved me, made me feel special (sometimes), very affectionate with me, brought me to meet his family and he met mine quite a few times, initiated convo about moving in together; however many of the things you wrote above also were lacking in our relationship. When he was away (traveling salesman), he would always text, but never really call, didnt really put anything on Facebook up about me ever and he was big into Facebook, didn’t remember significant events that happened in my life or stories I had told him about my friends, came to find he talked to me as much as he talked to other woman (saw flirty texts with emojis and all on his phone from other girls towards the end of the relationship). It’s been tough. We were together for almost 2 years and we work together (on different floors thankfully). I don’t want him back anymore, but my heart feels crushed and I’m not yet ready to move on. He started to e-mail and text me a few months after the breakup, but the texts were beginning to get flirty on his end and setting me back, so I asked him to please just let me be and he did until I saw him when I was near our office the other day and He cornered me into having a conversation. I just tried to be nice and short with him, but then after, all last weekend he started to text again. I was short with him and he has since stopped, but now I’m back to square 1.
A very good article. Reminding us to appreciate ourselves and focusing on how we want to be treated.Thank you for sharing.
I feel God sent me to this article at the right time. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years. The first year was bliss. He was attentive, he texted all the time, told me he loved me, listened to me and asked questions.. All the things a guy who is into you would do.
This last two years has been tough. Slowly, there are no more compliments. No more “I love yous”, no more phone calls. He says he’s too busy. Last year, he did not even get me a card for my birthday. Just a happy birthday text. Meanwhile, on FB, he has all the time in the world to pursue other women, and it hurts when I see him writing all over their FB walls, encouraging them, liking everything they put up, while my wall goes unseen by him.
All the points in this article applied to me. He’s not into me anymore. After I read this article, I broke it off with him. I’m taking the plunge after 3 years to find the man God really has for me. After I broke it off, he asked to go for coffee. I told him I couldn’t. There were no more texts from him.
Thank you for giving me the strength to do what had to be done, and allowing me to see in plain English what my heart knew all along. I am sad, yes, but I am also full of hope and strength, and know God will give me the courage to walk to the man He does have for me.
Thanks again! God bless!
I’m so glad this was helpful to you and that you feel peace, hope and strength! God bless you too <3
Hey girl, your post was over a year ago and I read it and am wondering how you are doing at this point. I’m also suffering the knowledge that the guy I’m crazy about isnt into me at all. And in my case it’s long distance. How could I even have stood a chance getting him interested in me when I can’t even be there in person? It hurts…and ifyou’re doing ok then there is hope for me to heal too.
All of this is so painful. I don’t have a boyfriend right now either. He is a sex addict.
So sorry you’re in pain, Michelle! Sending love your way <3
Thank you for your inspirational post. At the moment I am feeling so low and sad because I feel that the guy I’m falling for is starting to pull away.. He is showing all the signs.. He told me that he’s busy helping her ex girlfriend.. because there is no one to help her. After that everything seems to change.. I guess it’s time to move on .. it’s a shame because I really like in fact I love him..but thank so much ..I feel I’m not alone..
Hi Lilly,
You’re definitely not alone! Yes, it’s time to move on, but be proud of yourself and your capacity to love. Take that love and give it to a person who reciprocates. Wishing you the best!
Brooke
Thank you. This is really helpful. I’m 48 but I’m kind of “the cool girl” – I don’t want to own men, nor change them, but I hate anyone referring to me as “needy” “high maintenance” or “moody” or any of that shit simply because I call from time to time to hear how the man is getting on.
But I AM special and I DO deserve better.
My so called BF of six months hasn’t called me since Wednesday (it’s Sunday) and hasn’t answered any of my texts since Friday. He won’t pick up the phone.
I googled “what to do when he’s not that into you” and your first line shot me right in the heart. I’ve been here before too. I spent six years here with my previous boyfriend – he ran hot and cold, one moment he was all over me, the next he would dump me and I’d crawl back to him – then i got dumped in the seventh year and he married someone else eight months later. I do not want another time waster. So thanks again. Time to take some medicine.
Sending you lots of love, Lisa! You deserve the BEST!
I just wish that I knew how to get someone interested in the first place. In my case, it’s long distance. He is on the other side of the continent completely. I initiated contact. He always responds back, usually after a day or so. This is how he communicates with all the social media stuff though, only posting every few days. He is always polite and funny and has a lot of personality. Never shirks questions. But he never initiates with me first. It’s so hard since all he has is my instagram pics to look at and I have them as nice as possible…but I’m eager for him to actually take an interest in me too instead of me always asking him questions..should I ask him outright if there’s anything he wants to know about me? Make him think? I’m tired of always volunteering info I want him to know. If he would only give me a damn chance…
Hi Cami,
I’m so sorry you are hurting! I will say, in my experience, a man that’s interested acts interested. What the situation is revealing for you, though, is not so much what he’s interested in but what you are. You want someone who asks you questions about yourself and shows interest in your life. It’s not this person, but it will be someone else. Now that you know what you need, you can focus on who is giving that to you instead of guys like this who aren’t giving you what you need. Make a list of how you want to feel in a relationship, and think about that list whenever you start to feel down about this guy. Your needs matter, and instead of trying to change yourself or what you need, stay focused on your needs and nourish relationships with people who give you what you need. Starve relationships with people who don’t. Good luck, Cami! Sending you good vibes and love
This guy I was seeing for a year. Told me he’s not really that into me. Right now I don’t know what to feel. I guess maybe tomorrow I’ll start to feel the pain.
I’m sorry, Brailin. Especially after a year of your life, hearing that can be very frustrating and hurtful. Tomorrow you might not feel any pain either; you might discover you weren’t that into him either and move on just fine. However you end up feeling about this particular situation, know that you now have room in your life for more people who feel about you the same way you feel about them. His leaving made room for those people.
I really needed this. Thank you so much! I’ve bookmarked this page and I’m going to reread it until I get it through my head. I’ve told all these things to myself before, but it felt good hearing it from someone else. I could feel that you cared, and I appreciate it so much! You’re such a kind and lovely person. Thank you!
All the best wishes,
Rachel
Sending you love, Rachel!!
Read this and all the posts and can resonate with quite a lot .
It’s been a year -We work together – A lot of flirting in the beginning yet he was still with his ex wife and refused offers of meetup for coffee or to to out , a lot of breadcrumbing from him. I made it obvious so he knew how I felt-yet he never made a move ! He never seemed to have other women either and seemed into me – Texting me back all the time talking on phone – until he took a holiday and went travelling that’s when I found out about the yoga instructor – When I asked him, he claimed it was nothing – then he started with mixed signals and One motive he was happy with me then the next he wasn’t- Took a lot of tears and my girl-friends to try work out his cryptic messages -Did he want me or not – He went through the divorce – fast forward 6 months with me in limbo land, him never texting first yet answering – sends a message sorry he hasn’t been himself lately (I assume he means his moodiness from his divorce) -He brings another girl to our work do and then he brings her to another – I sit with him to finally talk out and she comes up – He introduces her as “his partner for now” and when I sit to talk with him on his own he says that we are just friends and to go find some one else on tinder. This hurts – What do I make of this !
Sorry you’re hurting Anon! He sounds like a jerk and it’s time to move on to someone who treats you with respect and kindness and clarity. Good luck!
A Truly, Amazing Read. It is perfect to the core it is truly inspiring and has lifted spirits, each new day feels a little better.
Point blank I can’t force someone to feel what I feel.
Thank you x
Just came across this article and I’m so relieved I’m not the only one going through this. Iv been in love with my best friend of 11years, I did tell him how I felt once and he said he did not want a relationship ( obviously with me)
He is a great person, but so am I and iv been asking myself what is it about me that he isn’t into. I cant change him, I dont want to lose our friendship.. but its been 11years of feeling this way.