The Dithering of a District Diva

In my childhood favorite movie, the main character, Aladdin — posing as Prince Ali Ababwa — flies his magic carpet up to Princess Jasmine’s bedroom window and asks her to climb aboard and go for a ride with him.  “Do you trust me?” he asks, wide-eyed and smiling.  Nevermind the fact that she just met him today (or possibly last week in the marketplace, who can be sure?), and nevermind the fact that he is blatantly lying to her about who he is, she should totally trust him.  And — surprise — she does.  Jasmine takes his outstretched hand, climbs onto the magic carpet, and away she flies with him, never looking back.

What is it about women that we can instantly trust men and only secretly hope against hope that the magic carpet won’t unravel?  I mean, you can meet a nice man at a company happy hour — *ahem* I mean, in the marketplace *ahem*– know him about ten seconds, and be so completely comfortable and off your guard that you’re ready to jump on board his magic carpet.  This guy, we rationalize, has everything on my [arbitrary] list, so why can’t I trust him?! He’s soooo perfect!

Except that he isn’t perfect for me. In fact, for me, he has one wholly insurmountable flaw:  the Jesus thing. (It may have been hard to guess, but I have transitioned from telling Jasmine’s story to recounting my own.)  Great On Paper and I have fundamentally different understandings of the role of Christ.  After discussing our various positions at great length — and finally, agreeing to disagree — it was very clear that G.O.P. was not going to be my person, after all.

I fell into a serious funk about this realization.  I even went so far as to have a whyyyyyyyyyyyyy Lawd whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? moment. I had always known that the list that I had in my head of the perfect man was simply ridiculous — an unattainable ideal that, if taken seriously, would only lead to complete failure and disappointment.  But this man had the nerve to have everything on my list, down to hand-size (yes, I prefer a larger-than-average hand, thanks!).  Everything, except the most important thing to me.  The one thing I vowed to never again compromise.

Yet even if his understanding of Christ mirrored my own, its not like there was ever any promise of a relationship — let alone a healthy, successful one. So what was I so sad about? Was he really the last cute 6’3, intelligent, progressive, southern gentleman who played the violin — with Shaq hands — in the entire city of D.C.?!  It took three days for me to finally confess to what I was really upset about.

Lord, I said aloud, I don’t trust you in this area of my life.

Hearing myself acknowledge that point was so profound for me.  Here I was, a woman who trusts EVERYBODY after about a handshake and a smile — past history or lack thereof be damned.  I, who had consistently acknowledged and understood the power of God and His never-wavering impact on and influence over my life for the past twenty-five years, and I STILL don’t trust Him?  Here I was, giving up a chance at Great on Paper guy because my belief in the reality of Christ and His role as my redeemer, savior, and the only living God is so unshakable that I have vowed to never again compromise my obedience to Him by being in an unequally yoked relationship, but I STILL don’t trust Him?!  I believe that by dying on the cross and rising again from the dead He took every wrong and sinful thing I’ve ever done and ever will do so that I can come directly to God and ask His forgiveness and be looked upon with favor and mercy as God’s child, just as He looks upon Jesus — but I have a hard time believing that He can send me a boyfriend who is right for me?!  The thought was so nonsensically contradictory that I was immediately ashamed.

Hadn’t I just written a post explaining that as Christians our sole-desire should just be to make God happy, to be consumed by Christ, and to derive happiness and completion from Him alone? Hadn’t I said:

So, if you are Single & Sad & Lonely — and Christian, it’s a sign that your heart has not yet been consumed by Christ.  You have to die to receive the pure love that Christ is offering you, meaning that you have to die to yourself. You have to give up your desires and your ambitions, and ask God to radically transform your heart, thoughts, and deeds to be solely focused on Him and not yourself.  (As you can see, following your will and your desires, and your ambitions has kept you — Single & Sad & Lonely.) You will otherwise be perpetually unhappy and dissatisfied — never quite fulfilled, always needing something that you just can’t quite explain. And everything that you try to fill that void with — men, career, beauty, children — everything will fail to give you the complete happiness that you desire and that God wants you to have.

Instead, as the Word commands us, you must: “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.”

Does this guarantee you will be married before you turn 30? Clearly, not.   Does this mean you should get lost in Christ and be consumed by His love for you until such time as your real knight and shining armor comes  along and starts paying you attention? Girl, be for real.

No, I’m serious — be for real.  Be for real about your commitment to Christ and to your sole purpose of worshiping God with your lives and your whole heart.  Be for real about meditating on God, reading and studying His word, entering into fellowship with other Christians who can help you on your journey to knowing Him and His purpose for you. Be for real about not living in sin anymore. Be for real about asking God to make your sole desire be for God to say this about you: “This is my child, with whom I am well-pleased.” Go out into this world and spread the love of Jesus to every soul you meet, using the talent and purpose God created you with. And watch how He will fulfill you like you’ve never been fulfilled. And see Him open up windows and pour you out blessings you don’t have room enough to receive.

Yup, now that I read it again, I’m fairly certain I wrote that.

One of my favorite DC Divas has the following daily reminder duct-taped to the back of her phone:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)

I’m duct-taping this to my phone, my laptop, my front door, my bathroom mirror, setting a daily Calendar alert, and tying a red ribbon around my finger so that every day — no matter the circumstance — I will remember that I serve a God who sees all things, knows all things, and can do all things.  I serve a constant God who has never failed me yet, though I fail Him time and time again and for the tiniest of reasons.

To the only God who has never left me nor forsaken me, the least I can do is trust Him and seek His face in all things.

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