Happy With Jesus Alone? I Want to Go to There…
So last Sunday I ate an entire 1/2 gallon of Edy’s Slow-Churned Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. Out of nowhere, I became seriously incapacitated, swimming in my own head, and feeling one step away from a diabetic coma. “No!” I said out loud as I tumbled backward onto my couch in an unsuccessful attempt to get up and get myself some sort of help. “I can’t die! I haven’t done anything with my life, Lord!” I looked down at the empty ice cream carton in my hand, clutched my heart, Fred Sanford style, and amended my prayer: “And I don’t wanna die with food in my hand!!!!”
It took several hours to recover from the unbearable, self-induced nausea. Who knew washing a 1/2 gallon of ice cream down with Raspberry Simply Lemonade would’ve been way too much sugar for my body to handle?? (This is one of the 15 things on my “get your life together” list). But, recover, I did. I felt immediate gratitude –then, a little bit of shame (though, surprisingly, not over the ice cream).
A few weeks ago I wrote “In Death and Dying, Even Jesus Wept,” to reconcile my thoughts on the death of loved ones with the various scriptures that proclaim death a celebration, a joy. I hadn’t really considered my own death, however. I guess because no one really thinks they’re ever going to die until confronted with that reality. But the sheer horror I felt at the thought of dying at 25 with my plans still unfinished, goals still unaccomplished made me ashamed. If I was going to die right then, obviously God’s plans for my life on earth were finished and the goals He wanted me to achieve were accomplished. Shouldn’t that be my only goal: to achieve the purpose God created me for and nothing but? It made me feel very much like Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars III: “Something’s happening. I’m not the Jedi I should be. I want more. And I know I shouldn’t.”
As that great theologian Yoda once said: “Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.” And as David proclaimed in Psalm 73:25: “Who have I in Heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.” That is the goal: to be completely content with Christ alone, whether he gives me a gorgeous pastor for a husband so I can be a preacher’s wife (^_^), or I publish my novels, or produce my screenplays, or win more awards. The goal is to realize that the prize is the glorious Christ. To seek His face on earth and to bend my heart, will, and desires towards Him. And then, to rejoice in Heaven — not to see my grandfather or any other loved ones who have passed along the way — but rejoice at the sheer thought of being in His presence. That perfect space where I have learned in whatsoever state I am in to be content, because I am in the presence of God. That perfect space! I want to go to there…
Our walk with Christ is personal. It takes time and daily effort. We may never get to where we want to be, but if we let God have control, we will always get to where He wants us to be. My new morning mantra to stave off the fear of death and the fear of failing at life is: “Rejoice in life because God still has a purpose on earth for you. Rejoice in death because you fulfilled it.” I made that up, myself 🙂
Anyone else struggling to let go of your own will and surrender to His perfect will? How do you handle it?
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