The Dithering of a District Diva

As any non-driving District inhabitant knows: shiny yellow cab light on = run and catch me first and I’m all yours! Cab light off = shove off, I’m taken.  So if the riders understand the boilerplate D.C. taxicab sign-language, you’d think its creators–the cab drivers themselves–would, as well. Apparently, that is too much to ask.

I have leapt snow mountains in a single bound and played rousing games of dodgecar/bus just to catch a cab with his light on  only to have the cabbie lock the door when I get within arms length.  (Thanks, Dad, I know that this behavior is dangerous, but that is not the focus of this post). Or, if I manage to make it safely inside, I get greeted with “No, no! Off duty! Off duty!” Horrified and out of breath, I’ll challenge them: “But your light is on!” To no avail. When this happens, I’ve been known to share a few choice words on my way out and slam the door in a huff.  How rude!

I won’t get into the quandary of cab availability to Black people in D.C. (particularly at night going in the direction of Southwest).   But I am often left wondering if the cabbie just forgot to turn his light off, or, if it was me.

The thought that had I been someone other than who I am, that cab might have been available to me, is infuriating, for the sole reason that there isn’t a thing I can do about who I am. I can strive to be better versions of myself, but at my core, I am who I am.

In that same vein, then, I can wholly empathize with all of the men I have sort-of kind-of dated as of late.  Confession: I have been driving around with my light on for the past nearly two years; all the while, I have been—and remain—completely, unequivocally, emotionally unavailable.  And it is a shame: All of them were intelligent, handsome, and goal-oriented young men, looking to discover life-partnership at the end of the rainbow. How rare is that in men of their twenties?  Respectfully, I didn’t leave them in suspense for long; it was, after all, inevitable that things wouldn’t work out, and so better to say so sooner rather than later.

Knowing that I wasn’t ready for relationships, I still let my light linger on, thinking, maybe it was the last guy or the timing, or something, anything other than the fact that I just had no business dating anyone. Like a pair of shoes I know I don’t need, I tried them on, anyway.  Maybe it will fit. Maybe it won’t be horrendous when I get it on my actual foot. Maybe there is some outfit in my closet that I haven’t worn in years that would go perfectly with it. Or maybe in a week, I’ll randomly find a matching outfit and will totally regret that I did not make these shoes mine…

And yet— like a beautiful pair of Louboutins—no matter what I do or what size I try, or what style, that sucker just won’t fit (expand the width of your shoes, Mr. Louboutin! No one likes a discriminator!) Thus, comes the inevitable “shove-off,” the “it’s not you, it’s me.” And though I’m not often believed when I say that, clearly, it is really just me.

I say this to atone for any guy I left feeling like, had he been someone other than who he is , I might have been available to him.  I know that this is an unpleasant feeling, I have felt it, myself. But perhaps we can all grow from it by learning to refocus our energies so that we make wiser choices when determining who is available to us—and who shouldn’t be.

I do believe that God has designed a special person for each of us who want one. Not a person to complete us, mind you, but one whose purpose compliments our own. This is not to be confused with a soul mate.  While I have my qualms with Focus on the Family, I heed godly counsel, and I was surely convicted by what FOF’s Gary Thomas had to say on the subject (h/t DB’s Facebook page):

The search for “the one” is often an idolatrous pursuit. As Christians, we must believe that our primary meaning comes from our relationship with God: “Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness…” (Matthew 6:33, NKJV, emphasis added). Thus, a Christian should not consider any marital union that would not feed this primary relationship with God. You’ll bring great misery into your life if you ignore this command.

JUDGED!

Yes, this entire paragraph stomped all over my toes when I read it, for surely I have brought great misery into my own life too many times by ignoring God’s command to seek Him first (you can read all about it in the book, I can’t give it all away for free!).  So, when I said, “it’s not you, it’s me,” it was my subconscious realization that I just cannot bring any more misery into my own life by involving myself in relationships that God has not called me to.  When I said, “it’s me,” something in me knew that I was cheating on God in an “idolatrous pursuit” for “the one,” when The One that I should have been chasing is God and my relationship with Him, building myself and preparing myself to do His work.  A major part of that pursuit is understanding what love is. Since God is love, the more I understand it, the more I’ll understand Him, and what He requires of me in my relationships with any and everyone.

The desire to love and be loved by one person is a legitimate desire that God wants for us.  But the problem comes into play when it becomes an obsession, our single-minded goal, at the expense of a true relationship with Christ.  J.R. Vassar explains why this is a ridiculous way to live in the best 45 minute podcast ever, “Freedom from the Fear of Man” (h/t Tiesha!):

People can never give us the approval we desire, and we crush them under the weight of that expectation. You’re asking glory deficient, broken people to give you the very thing they lack… God restored the glory that was lost in the fall [through Christ]… you have to be delivered from your obsession to be loved and honored and be consumed with a greater desire for God to be loved and honored…and when you get liberated from your incessant need to be loved and honored, you can actually live with this new consuming desire to see God loved, to see God honored. So the ruling desire of your heart is to see the Father loved and exalted, like Jesus lived to see the Father loved and exalted…then you can focus on loving people, and not using them.

*I have fallen out on the floor at this point*

I did not even realize that every time we need someone to say we are important, we are valuable, we matter, we are smart, we are beautiful, we are worthwhile…we are USING people to build ourselves up. When we are rejected by people and take it upon ourselves to feel like there is something wrong with us as a result, we are using people to define us. We cannot focus on loving people while we are still using them and expecting something from them. We cannot love until we know the Source of love and pursue Him above all other things.

And that is what I am doing. I reaffirm this, today. My light is out. I am emotionally unavailable to all but Christ in this moment, as I chase Him with my whole heart. I know I do not mean this every minute of every day, so I’ve decided to repeat my new mantra, “My heart is God’s, my life is God’s; He can do with them both what He will,” until I mean it.  As atonement, I offer this mantra—and this post—to all I may have hurt or disappointed in my confused yet sincere desire to live the life I was called to live:  a life that is free to love.

Now, shove-off, I’m taken 🙂

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