The Dithering of a District Diva

From http://www.todaysdrum.com/2095/5-fascinating-facts-about-obamas-security/

I dreamed I was at a party for the President.  I was decked out in a yellow gown with my curly hair pinned up and both ears and wrists dripping with diamonds.  I went outside of the arena to greet the President when to my horror, I noticed that he had no secret service protection.  He was being mobbed by the adoring guests and I had to stop it.

Thinking quickly, I ran back into the arena to grab large men to guard Obama for the night.  There was a competition going on, for men and women, and I skirted past my sister who was lined up in the hallway with the other women who were competing.  Fully focused on the mission, I ran to the opposite hallway where the men were lined up.  Four tall and muscular men in dashing tuxedos looked quite appropriate for the role of temporary bodyguard.  I motioned them close to me and whispered, “which of you will stand in service to your country?” (Clearly, a dream).  Two of them looked at me as if they discovered my secret–I’m crazy and thus have crazy dreams.  The other two, eagerly and blindly followed me outside.

But the President was no where in sight.  My heart sank.  Had something happened to him? I searched frantically for him.  “Where is the President?!” I screamed.  “He left.” Someone informed me. “Something about an explosion in the hallways.  It’s not safe.” In the hallways. My heart stopped beating.

I ran back into the arena in a desperate search for my sister whom I had just left in the hallway.  I had just brushed past her because I was on a mission. Because I would see her again. Because…

“Where is my sister?!” I asked familiar faces. “She’s gone.” A man’s chilling response.  “She was in the hallway. Something exploded. They’re all gone.”  The two men I had pulled out of the hallway to serve the President suddenly reappeared, high-fiving eachother for making the right choice. “That could’ve been us!” They laughed.

I felt sick.  I was dizzy. The room was spinning.  And then I saw my parents.  They seemed pointedly less concerned.  I asked again where my sister was, and they did not know.  Another young man volunteered, “she’s gone.  Look, here’s her jacket. This is all that’s left of her.” It was a yellow jacket.  “That, and this purse.”  The purse was ugly–and empty.  “She’s gone.”

I couldn’t take it. “NO!” I yelled and I raced toward the hallway where I had last seen her.  Lined up exactly as the men and women were lined up in the hallway stood a row of black helium balloons with black plastic anchors and silver backs.  On the balloons read the haunting words “Goodbye” in bold red.  “No. NO!” I continued to yell and run through the hallway, until I ran myself awake, in a fevered sweat.

I immediately called my sister, terrified.  And, thankfully, she answered–not “gone,” after all.  Even though she was at work, she looked up everything I told her had happened in my dream in her dream dictionary.

President
To see the president of your country in your dream, symbolizes authority, power and control. It may also represent your own personal views and opinions of the presidents and his actions.

This is plausible.  It could be as simple as the fact that I’d heard the President had left the White House without secret service, recently.  I never researched whether that claim was true. I do love our President and want him to be safe and would always do whatever I could to ensure that.  But maybe it means something more.  If the President represents authority, power and control, and it is unguarded, perhaps I am feeling particularly vulnerable and powerless.  Like my destiny is completely out of my hands.  This would not be too far off…

Initially, I believed that my dream meant my sister had died in my dream.  Yes, something had exploded, and yes there were balloons in the place of people that read “goodbye,” but now I think that she only disappeared in my dream.  The interpretation makes more sense:

Disappear
To dream that people or objects are disappearing right before your eyes, signifies your anxiety and insecurities over the notion that loved ones might disappear out of your life. You may feel that you cannot depend on someone and feel that you are alone and inadequate. You need to work on your self-image and self-esteem.

I would love to spend more time with my sister.  I am always asking her to come to the city and visit me.  And while most times I love it, around this time at night, I do feel very much alone. And yes, even inadequate.  Although I can’t imagine a person with a higher self-image or self-esteem…

Yellow
If the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents cowardice and sickness. You may have a fear or an inability to make a decision or take action. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks.

The yellow dress in my dream, was gorgeous. I was gorgeous in it.  So, what am I afraid of in my waking life? It isn’t the Bar–I am genuinely apathetic. It isn’t writing–I have never been more on my grind.  It isn’t love–I’ve never been more open to it.  I have no idea. But, now that you mention it, I have been experiencing many setbacks…

Purse
To see an empty purse, represents feelings of insecurity or vulnerability.

My sister’s purse was empty, so maybe she was the one feeling insecure or vulnerable, although clearly that fits right into my narrative du jour…

Balloon
To see balloons in your dream, indicates declining hopes in your search for love. A situation in your life will take a turn downward. Balloons also represent arrogance and an inflated opinion of yourself. If you see black balloons in your dream, then it symbolizes depression, especially if the balloons are descending.

To see an ascending balloon in your dream, signifies frustrating conditions in your life in which you are seeking to rise above. You are expressing a desire to escape.

Burn.  I would not say my hopes in my search for love are declining–outloud…That would make for a truly depressing book! And “arrogance” is such a strong word.  I prefer. “self-aware,” thank-you-very-much. Black balloons and depression.  I rebuke it. Been there, done that, never going back again.  Besides, the balloons, although weighted down, were attempting to ascend, which means that I am frustrated with conditions in my life and I am seeking to rise above. Check and check!  But I am not expressing a desire to escape. I am getting up out.  Moves are already being made. And what’s more, the balloons said “goodbye” on them.  Perhaps I am saying goodbye to depression, to frustrating conditions, goodbye to declining hopes in my search for the definition of love, goodbye to downward situations, and goodbye to arrogance! *I receive all of that!*

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But last night, I dreamed of a giant.  The same giant that has been haunting my dreams for years.  He isn’t always a giant in my dreams, though, but always Big. And last night, I was so small.  I was at a school event and I was trying to crawl onto the bleachers, but I couldn’t. I was grunting trying to get one leg over so I could pull myself up, but it was to no avail.  And suddenly, he was next to me on the bleachers.  He had giant hands.  He reached down and pulled me up, but didn’t set me on the bleachers, he swung my legs around the back of his neck and he ran around the gym with me on his back for the school to see.  I was blushing like a 12 year-old.  Everything was fluttering. It was all I ever wanted.

He set me down, eventually, and I could not stop smiling.  Even when he abandoned me for someone else, I could not stop smiling because I had had that moment.  And everyone saw.  No one could take that away.

I woke up feeling like a complete idiot, and horrified that I might have accidentally slipped back into the pathetic stage of my life that I’d only recovered from a short while ago.  I looked up what dreaming of a giant meant.

Giant
A giant symbolizes an issue, a person or a feeling that is dominating you. You are having an inferiority complex.

I do not believe for a minute that I am regressing back into that pathetic ghost of me, that stranger that I hope to never know again.  Instead, I’d like to think that this dream was just an Izzie moment.  Like when Izzie gets metastatic melanoma that metastasizes in her brain as tumors and she hallucinates about Denny and only Denny–her dead fiancee.  But she doesn’t see Denny because he is this great love of her life. She’s now in love with Alex, and Alex is her “future.”  But Denny keeps coming to her because she associates Denny with death and dying, and she thinks she is dying.

In the same vein, then, dreaming about this giant doesn’t necessarily  mean what I feared it meant.  Maybe I just associate him with inferiority, unworthiness, and powerlessness because that is how I felt around him.  Since the time after him was the most overwhelming experience I have ever had, perhaps now, whenever I am feeling a twinge of inferiority and powerlessness, it reminds me of that time, and I’ll dream of him. Perhaps the dream is warning me that I am still settling for that one lap around the gym–that small taste of what it is I want– and am blushing and smiling, and content, instead of demanding more.  Demanding it all.

Sigh.

So God is telling me through these dreams that I have a choice: I can (1) keep being small, and needy, and afraid, and content with receiving less than what He intends for me to receive; or (2) I can wholeheartedly walk in the authority I have been given through God and be who I am supposed to be, accepting every blessing, and dreaming no small dreams.

While I am definitely on the right track, I know I am not living up to my potential.  I could write better. I could write more. I could be more.  I could pitch more stories a day than I pitch.  I could be farther along in the research I am doing for the book I am writing.  I could give 100% at work.  Heck, I could give %70 at work.

I can write about it, or I can be about it.  What I do and how much I give are solely in my control.  And that scares me to death.

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