The Dithering of a District Diva

As you know, I was outraged by the piece of tripe in the Washington Post a few weeks back: “Successful, Black and Lonely” and fittingly wrote a response: “Dear Ms. Andrews, Here’s Why You’re Lonely: The Myth of the Sad, Sad Black Woman.” I tweeted and emailed Ms. Andrews, just to be sure she received my analysis (I couldn’t stand the thought of another “don’t be successful, black girl, cause then you’ll be alone” article or book, let alone a movie).

But apparently, the WaPo author did “less than a stellar job of explaining the nuances of [her book, “Bitch is the New Black”] or [her] comments,” and she emailed me back to explain as much. While admittedly the problems she had with my blog post are a result of the distortions in the WaPo article, I decided to post her entire email response because the greater point is that her book sounds like a worthwhile read. Since many of you were upset about the article, I wanted to make sure you got the real on what “Bitch is the New Black” will be about. (While I still hate the word “Bitch” in any context,) anything that is uplifting to Black women and showcases our multifacetedness is to be celebrated and supported, so join me in celebrating and supporting it (and expect a review when the book drops in June). Go cop it when its released, and catch Ms. Andrews’ response after the jump.

Greetings [Diva],

Do we know one another? I apologize if we’ve met before and I’m being an ass by not remembering. I’ve seen this blog post (along with many others that missed the forest for the trees of the WaPo article—although sadly I can’t blame them) and despite agreeing wholeheartedly on many very general points, I take issue with the blog post’s core premise.

To be sure I am not a “self-described ‘lonely’ author.” There are no quotes in the Washington Post article in which I say “I am lonely” or “I’m lonely because I’m single” or “I am desperately seeking love.” Let’s all be intelligent newsreaders and learn the difference between editorializing (what is not in quotes) and direct quoted speech (which exists inside quotation marks). I took much issue with the headline of the piece “Successful, Black and Lonely,” but I did not write the headline nor did I approve it or as the subject of the article would ever be given that privilege. The reporter who wrote the article made her own assumptions and added b-matter based on the very tired myth of the “lonely because she’s too successful” black woman. The very mythology I hope to make moot with my book.

When I did discuss loneliness it had nothing to do with dating or finding a man. It was about the general loneliness that can creep in a woman’s life when after accomplishing so many of the things she’s wanted she looks around and asks, “is this it?” That has very little to do with being booed up or married, it has to do with growing pains. Specific growing pains that creep in at 29 for better or worse. What I find so very substandard in so many supposedly smart discussions of that article and my book is that no one mentions or seeks to analyze the one quote from my book: “Soon enough, the little old lady living in a shoe is you — and the rent is effin’ unbelievable, and nobody comes to visit because you’re too far from the Metro. Adulthood comes in little jigsaw pieces. Once the painstaking work of fitting them all together is done, the picture doesn’t look nearly as cool as it did on the box.” Nothing in that quote speaks of being desperate, desperately seeking love, or being so sad and so lonely. It’s very clearly about becoming a true grown up and getting over that hump. As black women sometimes we think that hump will be easy to climb—seeing as how so many things have seemingly come easy in our lives—but some of us are finding that hurdle more difficult.

Also this quote from the blog post — “a screenplay she will write that perpetuates the myth that Black successful women are doomed to a life of singledom or settlement.” – is extremely problematic seeing as how the author of this blog post has not read “Bitch is the New Black” and the screenplay has yet to be written. I am extremely wary of my book being branded another “why she ain’t got no man” manuscript because I’m just as tired of those generalized stories as everyone else is. BITNB is about much more than that. It’s a memoir about laughing, living, loving, crying and a whole host of other things in the life of “the successful and single” black woman folks think they know so much about.

I am also extremely disappointed that someone would write about suicide—and what’s more, her sorority sister committed suicide (presumably because she was a Black, successful, single, lonely, woman? it’s unclear.)—so flippantly. I discussed that story with the Post because it underscored a particular point in my life, evidence quite clearly in this quote: “What I am trying to say about single black women in any urban environment is, you don’t know them as well as you think you do. They may not know themselves as well as they think they do,” When I was writing “Bitch is the New Black” I had this quote from Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye at the front of my mind: “we had become headstrong, devious, and arrogant. Nobody paid us any attention, so we paid very good attention to ourselves. Our limitations were not known to us—not then.” My road map was to pay attention to myself and then maybe certain women might find themselves along the way as well.

In the blog post the author writes, “Don’t dwell on your issues, but examine them and correct them as best you can,” which is exactly what I do in my book. Discuss my issues, my flaws, the awesome things about me and the nuttier idiosyncrasies of my life in order to provide a three-dimensional first person depiction of me and women who might be like me. I never said my book was about all black women or all women in general. I’m telling my story and my story is as valid as anyone else’s.

And this quote from the blog post: But to Andrews’ and the Wa-Po author’s credit, there was a disclaimer that says Andrews is ” not talking about all young black women, but some. Revealing a story not oft told.” Yet, the problem with this statement is that it is not true. This same sad song has been sung by the mainstream media on at least four different occasions in the past year alone—is also problematic. The story – of the young, gift[ed] and black woman has not been told by that very woman. The very point of my book is to [no] longer be a subject of interest but to start the conversation from a first person point of view, which is obviously the gist of this quote from the WaPo piece: I am that single black woman in Washington, D.C. Why is she single? This is who I am. Tell me.

[T]he first point of the blog’s list is so very off base it’s almost laughable, but unfortunately understandable. I’m an asshole who speaks in hyperbole and sarcasm, something that’s very hard to capture in an article. Clearly my life doesn’t suck—I wrote a book and am writing a movie with one of the most successful women (black or otherwise) working in [the] business as of now.

I think most people’s knee jerk reactions were to the article not my book, which no one has read, or my message, which was hard to dig out of that piece. To be sure I was never quoted as saying “I’m desperately seeking love,” “I’m lonely because I’m single” or “I’m desperate to find a man.” Those one-dimensional depictions irk the hell out of me just as much as they do any other black woman with a pulse.

My book is about being a (black) woman like me–and despite all the vitriol there are many women like me. Are we educated, smart, assholes, ladies, annoyed, angry, happy, hilarious and sometimes lonely. Yes. And that’s the story I wanted to tell because I was tired of one-dimensional depictions of who I am–just like what most folks read in that piece.

I could go on and on addressing this blog post point by point but really that’s futile. I totally understand why some people had immediate knee jerk reactions to the WaPo article which honestly did less than a stellar job of explaining the nuances of my book or my comments, but that’s to be expected when one is being written about and not doing the writing themselves, which is why I decided to write an entire book.

Thanks for your concern, [Diva] and I hope you go out and get the book come June.

H

UPDATE: Read my EXCLUSIVE review of Bitch is the New Black  HERE.

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