Ratchets of the Bible: Jephthah and His Daughter
One last lift before I kill you
As Christians in a worldly world, it’s very hard to find entertainment that encourages, inspires and strengthens our faith while also not being terrible (here’s looking at you, Kirk Cameron and all things TBN-related). Also, it’s just a proven fact that all people, regardless of race, sex, class or nationality, enjoy a bit of ratchetness and drama. These things are the intercultural unifiers. Unfortunately, the Real Housewives from Hell, Love & Hoodrats and other such shows can lead Christians down the unholy path of what my mother likes to call “communing with the Devil.”
But fear not, Christians: I am starting a new series called “Ratchets of the Bible,” (I bought the url already; don’t even try to steal this from me!). Fortunately, the Bible is chock full of tricks and ratchetness from which you can get your entire life. (For real, it was foretold in Proverbs, “The words of God giveth life.”)
Take Jephthah, for example. This Old Testament warrior wanted to win a war against the dreaded Ammonites and, knowing God could help him do it, this ratchet made one of the dumbest and unnecessary bargains with God of all time. But don’t take my word for it; let’s go straight to the source.
Judges 11:29-40
29 Then the Spirit of the Lord came on Jephthah. He crossed Gilead and Manasseh, passed through Mizpah of Gilead, and from there he advanced against the Ammonites. 30 And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord: “If you give the Ammonites into my hands, 31 whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord’s, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.”
32 Then Jephthah went over to fight the Ammonites, and the Lord gave them into his hands. 33 He devastated twenty towns from Aroer to the vicinity of Minnith, as far as Abel Keramim. Thus Israel subdued Ammon.
34 When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of timbrels! She was an only child. Except for her he had neither son nor daughter. 35 When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, “Oh no, my daughter! You have brought me down and I am devastated. I have made a vow to the Lord that I cannot break.”
36 “My father,” she replied, “you have given your word to the Lord. Do to me just as you promised, now that the Lord has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites. 37 But grant me this one request,” she said. “Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry.”
38 “You may go,” he said. And he let her go for two months. She and her friends went into the hills and wept because she would never marry. 39 After the two months, she returned to her father, and he did to her as he had vowed. And she was a virgin.
From this comes the Israelite tradition 40 that each year the young women of Israel go out for four days to commemorate the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite.
THE TAKEAWAY
If you make a stupid promise to God that is in no way your place to make (like whether or not other people get to live based on your victory or defeat, for example) you don’t actually have to go through with it. God is not going to hold you to something He never asked you to do in the first place.
What Jephthah should have learned from this foolishness was that God is merciful and helps us out in spite of ourselves. Just like when another warrior, Joshua, ridiculously asked God to make the “sun stand still” so that Joshua’s army could defeat his enemies. Of course, Joshua didn’t know then that the earth actually revolves around the sun and not the other way around, but you know what? God granted Joshua’s request and made it daylight a little longer for Joshua anyway. Know why? Because God perfects our imperfect requests. If Jephthah would’ve just learned that lesson, he wouldn’t have had to murder his daughter, blame God for it, and be crowned our Ratchet of the Week.
Also, women (and men who give women relationship advice): THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN NO MAN PUTTING A RING ON IT. LIKE BEING BURNT.TO.A.CRISP! I really need you to know this. Blast you, patriarchy!
Finally, let’s do the opposite of what the Israelites did and not celebrate the stupidity of others. Unless of course you’re sharing this blog post with all of your friends and family.
I made you read the Bible! 😀
I hollered when I saw the title of this post in my feedly because it’s one of my favourite Bible stories! (Amnon and Tamar is another one – clearly I have issues) It is sooo messed up. I actually just re-read a book called Jephte’s Daughter which was basically the same idea in modern times. Talk about ratchet!
LOL! I have to check out that book! And the Amnon/Tamar saga definitely makes the ratchet list. So much good stuff to choose from! I could do this for weeks!