This is my Neo moment. I am sitting before Morpheus and he has one pill in each hand: the red pill, and the blue pill.  Time to choose.

Fine, it’s not that dramatic, but I do have a potentially life altering decision to make.  Two very different jobs with two very different missions with two very different organizations — for pretty much the same pay and benefits, so that’s not a factor.

By now, I’ve discussed these opportunities with so many different people I love and respect, and I am still no closer to deciding what it is I should do.  One of my career mentors told me that “neither choice will derail your career.” Comforting.  But still, no help.  Most everyone has said: “Either way, you can’t lose!”  Great. Thanks for that. By the umpteenth time I’d heard it, I was ready to fight back.  “But can’t I lose?! I mean, really! Can’t this go terrible wrong? Can’t I choose wrong?” My friend Henny concluded otherwise:

@ least know that in the grand scheme of things there’s not a “wrong choice”. whatever happens, God’s got you. regardless of what choice you make, there is going to be something learned from the experience. every choice has a divine significance, i believe. He will use it, no matter what you decide.

Two people have given me straight answers about what they think I should do.

Person 1: I think [the red pill] is the best opportunity for you to grow in your career…but you can’t lose, either way!

Person 2: Clearly, [the blue pill] is  where you need to be. Can’t you just see yourself there? I see you there…but either way, you’ll be fine!

O. M.Gee.

I met up with my book club ladies to finally watch Eat Pray Love, which happened to be the very first book we ever read together.  Anyone that’s been reading The Dithering knows how overly obsessed I was with this book when I first began this blog back in November.  Reading that book was the first time I felt like I, too, could grow from my mistakes, and share them with the world, in hopes that someone else might avoid what I had put myself through.  How timely, then, to relive the book on film on the eve of the biggest decision I will make this year, most likely.  Except I didn’t get the same rush watching the movie as I did reading the book.  Some quotes were definitely timely, but no Aha! moment occurred like it had before.  So, I said goodbye to my friends at the theater, changed into my flip-flops, and started my walk home.  My God time, I’d decided.

But, on the way, I saw that devil The Red Velvet Cupcakery.  I stopped in.  I bought four.  I polished off two.  Still. Nothing.

So, I called my Jax, whom I had yet to discuss these new events with.  Right in the middle of my explaining why the blue pill might be best, my phone died.  Oh, yeah? I thought.

Clearly, God wanted His time. So, I began our talk.

O.K. God, what do I do? Where do I go? Which do I choose?  What do you want from me??? I started to answer my own questions, out loud, of course, on the streets of D.C. — cause what other way is there to do it?

You want loyalty from me. You want obedience from me. You want trustworthiness, honor, respect, dedication.  You want diligence and passion from me.  Where can I best exemplify these qualities?

The answer hit me like a lightening bolt: You can do that ANYWHERE, girl!

At that moment, I tripped on my flip-flop and it broke. Oh yeah?! I repeated.  I switched back over to my heels and kept walking, trying to figure out which pill the flip-flop represented. It was on my right foot, soooooo if I choose the “right” job, then I’ll be broken??? And other such ridiculous conclusions.

My broken shoe made me lose focus on what it was I was supposed to be doing: standing still and really hearing what it was God had to say on the matter.  But, there is often a disconnect between knowing what I should be doing, and actually doing it. (Side note: If I can’t even do right when I know which choice to make, what difference does knowing actually make?! Ok, I’m in trouble).

Instead of trying again with God, I directed my attention to a young fellow smoking a ciggie on a stoop.  He may not be much more help, I thought, but he certainly can’t hurt anything.  So, I asked him.

“Excuse me?”  He looked up from his cigarette and watched me cross the street over to his stoop.  “Yeah?” He said in a thick European accent. (I couldn’t place it, I’m sorry! I’m not Liz Gilbert! Scandinavian? German? Swedish?  I have no clue).  “I have these two job offers and I don’t know which one to choose and they’re two completely different jobs but the pay is about the same and I don’t know what to do. Which do you think I should take?”

Unphased, the long-haired European took another puff of his cigarette and said, “Well, it depends on what you want, if money doesn’t matter. What do you want?”  Of course, I knew the answer to that: “I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!” I yelled at him. Still, completely unaffected by this crazy girl walking in four inch platform sandals and a skirt baring brazenly unshaven legs (it’s been literally 11 days! shame), the guy on the stoop with the ciggie says: “When you wake up in the morning, the job you can see yourself doing every day, the job you’ll be happy in, that’s the job you take. When you wake up in the morning, you know.”  I thanked him, introduced myself, and reached for his hand.  He switched his cig from his right to his left hand, shook mine, and said “I’m [I have no idea what he said his name was].”  “Charles?” I repeated what I thought I’d heard, and he said, “yes,” but I truly doubt he said Charles, and I’m sure he just wanted the crazy girl to leave.  It sounded closer to “Claus” when I thought about it.  I’ll think of him fondly, as Santa Claus.

In any event, my slogan for this blog — and for this life — is “Chasing God + Purpose.”  But what does that look like? What does that mean? Shame that I created the slogan and still haven’t the slightest.  So, I did what I do when I don’t know things:  I Googled.

“God help me make decision.” I was hoping for Bible verses that would be great to meditate on and would instruct me on what specifically to ask God for.  I found it.  A great site led me to some great reminder scriptures:

Step One – Pray
Philippians 4.6-7 gives you the starting point for every decision and every endeavor — PRAY for God’s help and guidance.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philip 4.6-7

Step Two – Analyze
While you await God’s guidance, you should remember that it is by God’s will that you are endowed with the ability to reason and evaluate. In plain English, God gave you a mind to THINK with.  It is God’s will that you trust in Him, but it is equally God’s will that you think and reason things out.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. Jam 1.5

Proverbs 15.22 encourages you to dig out facts and advice from many counselors.

Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established.
Prov 15.22

Part of your thinking process should be directed toward discerning God’s answer when He gives it to you.

1 Corinthians 10.31 says, “WHATEVER you do, do all to the glory of God.” God can and does get glory from a Christian engineer, or a Christian truck driver, or a Christian whatever.

Third step is Step Out in Faith. Decide! Do it! Don’t get stuck in gridlock awaiting signs. Trust in the Lord. Get moving!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Prov 3.5-6

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Quit praying and get the people moving! Forward, march!”
Ex 14.15

Aftermath – Bumps in the Road
Okay, you did all the right things. You prayed often and hard for God’s will. You asked God to grant you wisdom. You dug out the facts, and listened carefully to good advice. Then you reached a decision and stepped out in faith. Does this mean that the results of your decision will hum along as smooth as clockwork? God will always answer “Yes” to that question, whereas you might at times answer “No.”

Your decision can be smack-dab in the center of God’s will, yet you can still run into a lion’s den of opposition, and a thunderstorm of obstacles.

But:“All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined…“Rom 8.28-29

So, yes, no matter what I decide, I really “can’t lose.”

Reading “The Carrie Diaries” based on Carrie Bradshaw’s life in high school has helped me to kind of understand how God feels.  Here’s this chick running around confused and scared and panicking over every single decision she’s making, never enjoying happiness, always waiting for the other shoe to drop and you just want to yell at her, “Dude! I know how it ends. You marry Big, the love of your life. You have great friendships. You’re rich. You get to be a real-live writer like you’ve always wanted, okay??? So just, RELAX!!!”

I think I’ll take my own advice.

Thank you God for the many counselors you’ve placed in my life, thank you God for wisdom and discernment and an earnest desire to chase You and Your purpose — wherever I end up.

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