The Dithering of a District Diva

I always seem to get myself in trouble after midnight.

I generally do this by making unnecessary phone calls or sending unnecessary emails.   Like now, for example.  I just got off work and it’s a beautiful warm night in the District and I have nothing of particular importance to say, but I dialed up the best friend.  Granted, I missed her call earlier and I missed her face in general and wanted to talk to her —  but it was far after midnight. When she groggily answered my call, all I had to say was, “It’s beautiful in D.C. tonight! Wake-up and share it with me!” From her bed…in Virginia.  She sweetly explained to me all the things she had to do the next morning and how it was best she went to sleep, and I let her go, disappointed.

I was mostly disappointed that I had no one else to call at nearly 1 in the morning.  I’m the only one with the crazy work schedule and my boys in Afghanistan who are usually the only people I know still up at this hour are…otherwise engaged 🙂  So, here I sit, with this unfulfilled urge to free these thoughts that keep bouncing around in my head, in search of the nearest exit.

During the day, I enjoy my  quiet. Unless I have to be contacted, I will even let my phone die at night so as not to be disturbed during the day.  Since I restarted the night shift this week, I’ve been spending my mornings in quiet solitude, meditating with God, studying, and writing until I can’t write anymore.  I can go for quite awhile with the only non-internet based communication I have is with my co-workers — whom, thankfully, I happen to adore.

But I crave contact after midnight, while all the east coast world slumbers.  An incessant paradox!

What does that say about me? That I want appropriate things at inappropriate times? That I desire things only when I know that I can’t have them? That I am simply manifesting another aspect of my self-destructive nature by repeatedly — though subconsciously — choosing a more difficult path of life to wander down?

The only thing I am certain of is that this behavioral pattern fits neatly inside the theory that I’m currently unpacking in my book, that everything we do stems from an unyielding desire for validation. And also, quite possibly, this just might be God’s way of asking me to spend more time with Him.  That never hurt anybody, after all.

But at the moment, I’ve tired myself out, my thoughts have grown quiet, and the urge is satisfied — at least for tonight.

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