The Dithering of a District Diva

“It was missing a piece. And it was not happy. So it set off in search of its missing piece. And as it rolled it sang this song – ‘Oh I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece Hi-dee-ho, here I go, Lookin’ for my missin’ piece.'”
— Shel Silverstein

When I was a kid, I read this Shel Silverstein story about a circle (or a block of cheese?) that was missing a wedge of itself. The Missing Piece. He went rolling around town looking for his missing piece and sang a song while he did it. I don’t remember if the story says how he lost it to begin with or how he knew he had lost it or whether he found it in the end (although, since it was a kid’s story, I’m sure he did indeed find it in the end).

I’m thinking of that now because for weeks, maybe months even, I’ve been feeling an absence that I cannot describe or understand. I’ve finally got everything I’ve ever wanted: a nice place of my own, a great career at an ideal NPO, a city life, financial stability and independence, great friends, family close by… I’ve honestly never felt better about myself, my life, or my future.

So, why is it that I find myself wide awake at 3 in the morning when I have to leave my house by 7? It’s this nagging that something isn’t right, it won’t let me rest, it won’t let me get comfortable. And when I do sleep, sometimes I am startled awake by this horrible feeling that I’ve forgotten something: a bill payment, a deadline at work, or perhaps I overslept…There is something that is making me uneasy and on edge and unhappy.

Granted, last night it was the three cupcakes I ate before bedtime (champagne-infused cupcakes? who are these geniuses??!) And yes, there is a literal, physical, medically diagnosed hole in my heart (spare me the Grinch jokes, I’ve heard them all). But there is just something else.

It could be the illness that is plaguing my loved ones at the moment, but I really feel God has that under control and the doctors say progress is being made, so I doubt that is it. I wish I were more concerned about studying for and passing the bar on my first try, but I am just not, at the moment. It isn’t a man’s love because for the first time in my life I can admit to myself that I am enjoying a single woman’s life (I’ve been in consistent long-term relationships since I was 15 and I’m exhausted). The only thing that makes any sense is the fact that I currently feel very far away from God at the moment.

I haven’t been to church in two months between work and going to the hospital to visit my mother. And fine, going to church isn’t everything, but it is an opportunity to fellowship with other Christians and to give and receive encouragement, and I miss that. And its not that I don’t talk to God; there are people I specifically pray for everyday a hundred times a day. But there is a lot of “Oh Lord, please…” ‘s in there, and not very many “thank you’s.” The meditating and yoga lasted a good two days and my lack of discipline is appalling to me–just not enough to make me actually change.

UGHHH. I don’t know. But I think that block of cheese had the right idea: keep looking, keep searching, even if you’re not sure what your looking for or what your piece looks like or how it should feel when you’ve found it. And sing a song, while you’re at it. But only God’s peace surpasses all understanding, and seeking Him first will lead to the desires of my heart. And all my heart really wants right now is peace and rest.

And a champagne cupcake (or three). God, help.

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