The Politics of Friendship, Part Deux: Forgive & Remember?
Now and again it seems a waste of time attempting to understand the mind of God. He is, indeed, unfathomable. Take, for example, His declaration that: “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Why would an all-knowing God choose to forget our numerous and terrible sins? Why be that loving and forgiving to an undeserving people? For His own sake, even. So He can still look at us, and love us, and show us mercy and kindness, He forgets our sins.
I guess that is just the beauty of God. And while I am thankful for His mercy, I cannot in good faith say that I am just as merciful towards others, for my own sake—particularly towards those who have never and will never show remorse for what they do. It is one of many characteristics of God that did not manifest in me, and I cannot decide if that fact is fortunate or unfortunate.
I have a history of walking away from people who have unapologetically hurt me. It puts me back into control over myself. (Hello, I’m a control freak…or is that just good common sense?) Honestly, “friend” is not the word for someone who will hurt you and feel no shame over it, so why bother keeping him or her around?
But it appears that quite a few people in my life have found no fault in a shameless bit of backstabbing (whaaaaat am I doing to attract this sort of behavior?). So the idea I’ve been flirting with lately is forgive & remember.
I always forgive because forgiveness is in my best interests: it relieves stress, is less dramatic, and frees up energy to focus on more important things. But you can forget forgetting. Especially if it is a particularly hurtful deed, I will remember it in order to avoid a seemingly inevitable bout with deja vu (there’s that control freak, again). This way, you can keep the person in your life and continue the “friendship,” (at least until something worse happens? I don’t know).
But this just sounds like a stupid idea, as well. Seriously, who wants to be friends with a shamelessly crappy person? What benefit is there in that? (What is so hard about saying, “Oh, I hurt you? I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention.” Or, if it was, “I shouldn’t have done that to you and I won’t do it again.” Too hard? Really?) And conversely, why would a shamelessly crappy person want to be friends with me knowing that I think the person is shameless and crappy? I mean, what is the point?
Yet, there are a couple of people I keep around simply because I love them no matter what shameless, crappy things they do. And that is a very exclusive club of people. Sometimes I think that is God’s love. But is that really God’s love? Or do I just have a penchant for shameless, crappy people who treat me like crap? (And what deeper issues does that fact strike on?)
I just want to know and understand what God requires of me.
Does judge not that ye not be judged really mean NEVER judge, ever? Like, never? Like, “Oh, you’re a crackhead, but everyone has problems, we can still be friends and you can come over and steal my China and sell it for crack because who am I to judge?” Really? I cannot imagine God co-signing that foolishness. I cannot imagine God okaying us allowing people to remain in our lives once their lifestyle of unrepentant sin begins to negatively impact us. For example, no, I don’t want to let you in my house, lil recreational drug-user, because I don’t want to go to jail for possession. And yes, lil homewrecker, the thought did cross my mind that your shameless selfishness might one day impact me and my home and so I probably won’t leave you around my husband. *Kanye shrug*
Is that wrong? If a friend should love you no matter what, is it wrong to feel this way? Is it wrong to remember people’s sins when God has forgotten mine? Granted, it is a completely different thing to throw someone’s past in her face when she is trying to move forward. But what if she isn’t trying? What if, in her present, she is a hot mess that starts spilling onto you?
But God loves me in my hot mess…
So, what, God, do I just let people walk all over me, treat me like less than I am? Is that how it works? Kind of? You don’t say.
Luke 6:29: “Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either.
Luke 6:30: “Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back.
Ok, I hear you, but what is the motivation behind these words? What is the message He’s trying to send by requiring this of us? Isn’t it just not to let anyone anger us (lest we end up in jail for assault and battery, thus delaying the future God has planned for us)? Isn’t the greater point to not let anyone drive us to hate (lest we break the greatest commandment that we love one another as Christ loves us)? And isn’t there such thing as love…from a distance?
Christ’s purpose was to die for us. He came here prepared to die for us. But, I don’t think that is my mission. I don’t think I was called to die, or go to jail, have my heart broken or have my home wrecked…for you, to keep you in my life. To show you God’s love.
And then I feel like an awful godless person for not wanting to show somebody, everybody, God’s love. Because that is definitely my purpose on earth. No matter what it is I’m supposed to be doing with my life, that activity should encompass showing God’s love. Without question.
It suddenly dawned on me that maybe I keep attracting people who betray me (one, because people are human, but also) because I keep failing the test I’ve been given. Isn’t that the whole idea behind karma? You keep getting the challenge until you overcome it? And friendship after betrayal has been a perpetual challenge for me.
But the thing is, whether I keep him around afterward or let her go, I still feel unsatisfied with the result. There are some friends I regret erasing, and some I don’t. And after having one of those friends come back into my life like she’d never left, like the light she always was for me, it makes me think that people can be erased too quickly. Like maybe forgiving and remembering does one no good at all and it makes no nevermind what she did before because she’s back now and all is well. And then the ones I’ve kept anyway, in spite of it all, have no gratitude, show no sign of remorse even still, return no form of love or appreciation or even respect. And that makes me wonder again what the point is. Perhaps there isn’t a blanket rule and people and situations should be evaluated individually.
Yet this reminds me of my own quote: “Why do you do what you do? For God, or for glory? Make a choice.” (Copyright pending so, don’t bite me!) What I mean by this is, do you show kindness and love to others because you want to be recognized, appreciated, glorified, even? Or do you do it because it is what God requires. If it’s for God, then it doesn’t matter how anyone treats you, and it doesn’t matter whether its appreciated; your reward is from Him and Him alone. (And that’s waaaay better, btw).
So, 1400 words and all this dithering later, I am still no closer to deciding what it is I am supposed to do or to accepting what it is God requires me to do when it comes to the politics of friendship. And I can’t tell if that’s willful ignorance or genuine confusion. But since I feel like I have failed this mission yet again, all I can do is brace myself for the inevitable next time. And do better.
UPDATE: Smart Love