Why I'm Not Married
If you follow me on Twitter (@DCDistrictDiva) then you probably know that Fridays are the highlight of my week. It’s Girlfriends’ Bible Study night, and if I am in the District, nothing will keep me from it. I walk away from my quality time with God and my friend feeling refreshed, loved, prayed for, and spiritually fed — whether we crack open a Bible or not. Tonight was no exception.
Tonight, my friend and I explored a very sensitive topic. Pushing 30, neither of us are married. We started examining our friends and other women we know who are married or engaged, and we asked ourselves — and each other — why? But what was so beautiful about this conversation was the way in which it was framed. It was not an “oh, po’ us” conversation in the least. We took this time to seriously examine ourselves and decided that God has ordained us to be unmarried at this point in our lives for very good reasons.
We each came up with a list of 15 habits and characteristics we have that we need to break before we can get married. Not before someone can love us, mind you. What we noticed as we reviewed our friends and others we know who are married or on their way, is that none of those women are perfect or close to it. And we certainly won’t be close to perfect by the time we get married, either. That’s neither the goal nor the prerequisite. But what is so important that I’m glad we took the time to realize and discuss is the reality, weight, and significance of bonding your life with someone else. It’s kind of a “BFD,” as our Vice President would say.
The bonds of marriage are eternal, spiritual, physical, and emotional. Knowing that marriage is a joining of souls, and knowing love is the act of consistently placing another’s needs above your own — with no other motivation than to see that person reach true peace and happiness — I cannot consciously choose to sully another person’s soul with my past and present baggage and insecurities just to avoid being alone. That is not love.
The reason I am not married has nothing to do with the lack of men. It’s very easy to date. It is also easier to get a marriage license than it is to get a driver’s license in this country (at least with driving, you have to take a test!). I am not married because I love my future husband enough to square some things away, first. I love him enough to proactively acknowledge and address my baggage in a way that will not only benefit me mentally, physically, and spiritually, but also (hopefully) everyone that I come into contact with, including my husband.
I am sure that I have more than 15 flaws to work on. I am sure these 15 flaws will not be perfected EVER, let alone by the time I get married. And I’m equally sure that these 15 flaws are relationship killers that have to go. It hurt my feelings to make this list. It hurts when God chisels away at me. But what is so beautiful in this process of change and growth is knowing that I have a friend who is holding on to my list of 15 things at this very moment and is diligently working to find scriptures to encourage me in these areas I’m struggling with, just as I am doing for my friend.
And what is most beautiful of all is knowing that God already knows every flaw, every sin, every negative thing about me, and His love covers all of these things. And because of His love and His grace and forgiveness, I get the chance to be better for Him. To live a life that shows gratitude, respect, and love to God for all He does and has done. But I realize that in order to let Him make me His masterpiece and use me to do great things on earth, I must stop surrendering almost, and start surrendering all: my control, my anger, my fear, my insecurities, my unholy desires, my worldly ambitions, my sharp tongue, my selfishness, and my pride.
Will you let God chisel away at all the things you’re wearing that don’t belong on a child of God? Will you let Him make you His masterpiece? As you pray on these questions, watch this awesome video and be blessed:
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It’s truly refreshing to read that someone has the same mentality on this. I would love to be married but I say all the time my husband deserves the best me and I’m not exactly her yet so no meed to waste his time now.
And this single time is not to be squandered just “preparing” for him. But I’m an adamant believer of being purposefully being single. There are thing that are more plausible as a single person than a married individual. God has great things for me to do and a lot of it is while I’m single b/c otherwise I’d have a neglected husband. LOL
So for now I’ll be purposefully single and when the time comes it’ll transition to being purposefully being married. =)
When God sees fit, he’ll then appear. =)
Wow! My heart is so full right now! God, please hear the prayers of this writer and every young man and woman reading this post and who are preparing themselves for you and their future mates. And God, would You add a special blessing for the writer of this post for sharing the talents you have given her with others to encourage a closer relationship with You and be better husbands and wives for the prince and princesses you have prepared and predestined just for them! Thank You Lord. I consider it already done. Amen!
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Awesome article! I WISH I had thought along these lines before I got married. But I’m starting over now and intend to resolve as many of my issues and baggage as possible.
Thanks so much for reading, everybody!! I’m praying for all of us as we seek His face and His will for our lives on the road to becoming the people He created us to be!!
Most likely you and the rest of us aren’t married because we’re black. Numerous studies indicate that we’re the most discriminated against due to our perceived lack of genetic advantages. So, yeah this realm (dating and marriage) is going to be pretty rough. Most won’t make it unless they leave the states where people may have a more open mind. Stay out of the UK and Canada.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Tina. Here are two reasons why your analysis is off: 1) Those studies you mention have been debunked by several other studies. Here’s just one of them: http://www.theroot.com/views/myth-busting-black-marriage-crisis. and 2) You do yourself a disservice by suggesting you and others are single because of so-called statistics. By focusing on external issues instead of internal issues, you are neglecting an opportunity for real introspection into your own behavior and thought-processes. Are you repelling good men / attracting ones that aren’t what you really need by engaging in certain behaviors and focusing on unproductive lines of thinking? What can you change about yourself to be more pleasing to God? If you focus on pleasing God, you’ll certainly attract a godly man who also wants to please God.
Use this single time to grow your faith. Do not be discouraged by worldly statistics — greatly exaggerated or otherwise. When you believe God to be in control of your life, you will not be concerned with the “dating pool” you’re surrounded by. You’ll trust Him to bring your person into your life.
I actually spent extensive time writing this post and coming up with 15 things that I would like to work on with God before I get married. I encourage you to do the same. I’m working on a 6-Months-No-Dating pledge. I’m on week 2 of 24. During this 6 months I am allowing myself to be reconstructed by God and it has been wonderful. I am expecting a closeness to God that I have not yet experienced and it’s a very exciting time. Read more about it, here, and join in! http://www.dcdistrictdiva.com/?p=2000
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Do you share the 15 things you wish to change on your blog?
I did read about cleaning the home and dishes before leaving for
the day and I think that’s a great habit to develop but I’d like to read
your other changes if you happened to share elsewhere.
I forgot to check follow up comments.
Hey Splendor!
So, I never actually shared the 15 things, but, what the heck, here they go:
1) Selfishness (studying Philippians 2:3, 1 Corinthians 13, Galatians 5:19-31, etc. for that)
2) Messiness (studying 1 Corinthians 14 for that)
3) Impatience (James 5:7-8)
4)Kindness (Ephesians 4:32)
5)Sympathy/Compassion (1 Peter 3:8)
6)Physical Upkeep (but keeping in mind Proverbs 31:3)
7)Being Dramatic (Hebrews 12:14-15)
8)Control (Psalm 46: 1-3,7)
9) Father Issue (Psalm 27:10)
10) Validation (Matthew 6:33)
11) Wrong Motives for Relationships (1 Peter 4:8-9)
12) Not Domestic (Proverbs 14:1)
13) Lazy (Colossians 3:23)
14) Insecurity (2 Timothy 1:7)
15) Judgment (Titus 3:2-7)
Thanks for sharing.
In practical use Prov 14:11 inspires you to always keep a tidy home by not leaving dirty
dishes or making up your bed before you leave home correct?
Did you break it down into particular actions/behaviors/habits for each or just generalized it? I ask b/c I tend to get caught up in the details. (For example what does not being dramatic mean to you?) I’m sure each of these could be a post in and of itself so if you decide to go that route let me know to look for future blog explanations.
I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a woman named Laine. She has Laine’s Letters and she is a Christian woman/homemaker very popular with Christian bloggers and women. What I enjoyed was the way she’d break down her day. She also encourages an early rising…if you click on LETTERS you can read about her life and see how inspiring she is.
http://www.lainesletters.com/… I will continue to read your blog b/c I really like what I’ve seen so far. Be Blessed!
Thanks, Splendor!
I definitely broke it down for myself and I’ll share the document that my friend created for me that breaks down what the 15 issues are and has all the scriptures for each one in it. I agree that would be helpful! Thanks for sharing and I’ll check out lainesletters.com!
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My niece just started a new natural soap business . We were looking through the pictures of beautiful black woman and found your picture , very nice and natural , we wanted to use your photo on the FB page she created for the soap wanted to know if you would give her permission to use the photo , please respond . Thanking you in advance for your decision , be blessed , Denise Taylor- Mosley , In His Service Daily !!!
Denise Taylor – Mosley , my email info !
hello, can u be my friend? pls contact me on my mail. thank u.