The Dithering of a District Diva

The Virtuous Woman Shortage

It’s the classic tale: Girl meets guy; Guy has decent career, decent living arrangements, decent face, decent credit score, decent church attendance and a decent car; Girl (politely) doesn’t swoon. Girl = “bitch.” (I write this with no asterisks, because no asterisks were used the many times I’ve been called this).

We’ve long-since discussed the reality that this pseudo “good man” shortage has caused a portion of the male population to buy into their own hype, and therefore expect every girl they sniff behind to fall all over them, irrespective of personality or compatibility or even attraction.

But what I have found truly remarkable over my past few years of dating is the reaction from some women when I recount the tale of a guy who (with varying degrees of effort) unsuccessfully courts me.  The overwhelming majority of responses I’ve heard have been somewhere along the lines of “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Poor guy.”

Um, what?

Now, it’s not that I can’t sympathize.  There was that one time when I really, really liked a guy and the relationship didn’t work out. But when I wasn’t over it, no one was “awwwwwwwww” ing “poor [Diva].” It was, “welp, you know he had a lot of choices,” “get over it, clean your palate, and get back in the game” and other such bad advice.  No one was suggesting that I should be pitied because he ignored my right to his affection; No one was suggesting that he should have ignored our compatibility issues in order for me to get what was rightfully mine — and no one should have. BECAUSE THAT’S CRAZY TALK.

So why do we as women seek to admonish each other when a guy who isn’t for us is let go, as if we’ve somehow breached an unwritten fiduciary duty to accept whichever “good man” finds us worthy? And why do we, knowing the caliber of women in our circles, shrug off a man’s dismissal of us as some inevitability because we “know he has a lot of choices”? I fear it’s because we’ve also bought into the idea that there aren’t but so many “good men,” and we ought to be honored when one is barking up our tree.  (If you don’t believe me, please read the comments on my post “No This Negro Didn’t“. You will be amazed). Not to mention that if these guys — the ones calling us “bitches,” treating us like dating us is their manifest destiny, and dumping us for the next one simply because they think they can — are the “good” ones, then we’re in more trouble than we realize.  But this shouldn’t be a surprise…when you sit in a moldy room long enough, you’re bound to ingest something toxic.

Ladies, we have got to get out of that room of mildewed  stories manufactured by those who do not have our best interests at heart. Instead, I offer a breath of fresh perspective.  If we really analyzed the sexes by numbers, they would reveal an entirely different conclusion:  There is no “good man” shortage; there is a shortage of virtuous women.  If we actually accepted that we are the rarity,  perhaps we wouldn’t be so quick to shut a sister down for deciding she just wasn’t that into a guy. Perhaps we would show her love for not tying a brother up from meeting his more compatible future wife. Perhaps we’d stop side-eying her for being dangerously close to 30 and still “so picky.”  Or perhaps this is all wishful thinking.

But irrespective of whether any other sister adopts this perspective, I refuse to be shamed into a relationship I don’t want or need. You can side-eye till you’re cross-eyed, ma’am! I know what I want, I know what I’m worth,  I know he is worth the wait — and so am I.

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